Lilian's Journey

Images of Singapore

2011-01-17T12:47:00.009+08:00

I was in Singapore for a short trip, about ten days ago.

Several images caught my eye..... no 'beggars', at least in the central part of the city we were staying ....but we met a number of people selling tissue packets.....one of the most touching was the man on a motorized wheelchair (looked like he has a form of cerebral palsy) outside the MRT station. Others were little old ladies....so i ended up with enough tissues for the whole trip!

The other image was the new casino at Marina Bay Sands that i was told by my relative is likely to cause many social problems. I was curious and would have gone in, but i probably misread the sign and thought that even foreigners have to pay the 100 dollar levy!

Then another sight was the view of Singapore from the fifty seventh floor of Marina Bay Sands hotel - from the so called viewing deck that extends a couple of hundred feet out of the end of the building. Not for those uncomfortable with heights, but it gives a birds eye view of Singapore.
Life is full of paradoxes. On one end you have the high standards of living that seem to define the word 'success'. As i walked through the hotel complex, i wondered whether those staying there were really conscious and grateful for the gift, or had the experience become mundane for them - just the next new hotel to try out. On the other end, we sometime meet very real people, who live quite authentic lives, even if in some hardship; people who do not know that they do make the day brighter for those who are willing to 'see' through the simple trappings. i struggle sometimes with just wanting to give a couple of dollars and not take the tissues - but i reckon it would give the person much more dignity to be treated like any other person who makes an honest living (and not a mere charity case).

Dear Lord of all, all the rich and the poor and the in betweens, help us recognize and appreciate all gifts that come our way - gifts wrapped in gold and ribbons and also those that are much simpler and much more ordinary - yet gifts all the same, from a loving God. Amen

Pictures of December 2010

2011-01-05T22:42:00.007+08:00

My elder son's twenty first birthday....i invited his university friends as a surprise....but he more or less guessed as we made our way there...

My lady's finger plant surprised me

with a second fruit after the first

one dried up........

Christmas roast pork

on the right.......

A new year......

2011-01-03T22:39:00.004+08:00

I was hoping for a little time last week to round off the year but with the flu bug at the beginning of the week and then a very busy two days at clinic, i actually ended the year somewhat tired out. Did not realize this until the weekend when just a few hours of chit chat and lunch with relatives left me really tired and i even had a bit of lightheadedness the following day - doing very minimal and normal chores!! Hmm....well, it was enforced rest yesterday and i took things really slowly today, and have more or less recovered. Tomorrow and Wednesday will be working days - and i just hope that it will not be too busy ....

Just after Christmas, I entered the "Third Week" in my Ignatian prayer exercises. This is the phase of the Passion of Christ. Well, it does seem a little 'out of season', but since we began the 19th Annotation retreat in September, it does not follow the liturgical year.

I am amazed, as praying through the Last Supper, Foot Washing and Gethsemane, i am led to how 'human' Jesus really was. It is well enough to proclaim that he is fully human, fully divine, but the 'divine' part usually takes center stage. Here, in these prayer exercises, i see him struggle in a very human way, in a way that helps me more fully appreciate and understand him. There is no indication that the struggle was easily won, or that the anguish and sorrow was unreal - in fact, at Gethsemane, he sought human companionship as he struggled in prayer. His disciples could not 'stay awake' for various reasons (worn out with grief; did not know what to say to Him...) and he was left quite alone bereft of the companionship of his friends (Luke mentions that angels strengthened him). He won the struggle - to say "Yes" to his Father's will. His love for humankind was a love "to the end" - a love that accepted total vulnerability - in the hands of those he came to save.

All these insights left me in a quiet, serious mood, knowing very well my own responsibility in Jesus' suffering. Yet, wonder of wonders, he loved me, loved us enough to "love to the end". Such sacrifice, such a cost......perhaps holding on to these thoughts as i start this new year will help me grow more discerning as to how best i am called to live for the praise and service of God.

Post Christmas jottings

2010-12-27T09:08:00.008+08:00

It has been a really quiet Christmas this year, except for the sound of coughs and sniffles. One by one, the whole family came down with a bug, starting from early last week. The first hit were my husband and older son - and they had it quite bad. They are still at the tail end of it.....I thought i would not catch the bug, but i have, since yesterday......probably my immune system was low after the last minute preparations last week. My younger son has some sniffles but seems to be the 'strongest' so far....

Our internet connection has been a bit 'touch and go' too, after lighting struck the modem last Wednesday. It's away for repairs (still under warranty) and a friend lent us a modem, that works but occasionally gets cut off for no reason.

One of the highlights of the long weekend was watching the Gospel of John DVD again. It is a journey through John's gospel, highlighting how Jesus is revealed as the Messiah, through several 'signs'. It brought me back to the meaning of Christmas, and the 'Person' behind it all. We also watched the second Chronicles of Narnia movie (Prince Caspian) where Aslan portrays the gentle strength of Christ. I am always amazed at how meaningful Christmas can be, when Christ remains in the center. It is never just a season of giving and receiving, that would not plumb the depths of meaning, if not for the fact that we have received Christ, our greatest 'gift'.

Christmas - this week!

2010-12-20T23:19:00.004+08:00

This year, until almost mid December, I was rather blissfully unaware of the coming Christmas celebrations. Yes, I've had the Advent candles out, but that was all. I had prayed through the Nativity scenes in the gospels a couple of months ago, and have moved on to the public life of Jesus. Therefore, last week or so, i was suddenly 'awakened' when i realized how time was passing! The past ten days have been a bit of a rush to get appropriate gifts, wrap them and even to pass them to friends who would not be around at Christmas. Then the recipe books came out of storage and i pored over them. Well, the weekend just past has been a baking 'frenzy' - the fruit cake turned out well, and two types of cookie, but one other batch of cookies was a failure! Today, i was trying out some finger snacks - and managed to get a 'baked' (rather than deep fried) wonton done fairly well. I am 'cheating' on the main dish - bought a frozen preroasted chicken with stuffing! Though now i realize i need to make a sauce!

How amazing that our Lord came to us without much fanfare. He chose such a humble setting of a stable or barn, rather than a house to be born in, and was acknowledged first of all by a group of simple country shepherds. Now, each Christmas, we remember with gratitude the birth of our Lord. It may also be a time to ask what his birth means to us.....

"A tiny, fragile baby.....that's how You came to us. A Lord and King who chose no fanfare to herald Your arrival. You came as a babe, helpless an dependent. How could it be this way? Somehow i can never fully comprehend this powerless way of Yours. I prefer a 'mighty' God who comes in power. Lord, what does it mean that You clothed Yourself in human flesh....does it mean, for one thing, that i can learn from You how to be more fully human? Lord, You are the gift beyond all other gifts.....a gift that has to be unwrapped one layer at a time, slowly, with deep gratitude"

Jesus 'heals'

2010-12-09T13:25:00.003+08:00

The account of Jesus healing blind Bartimaeus has levels of meaning when not seen in a merely literal way. I prayed this story the other day, and well, i am not physically blind. By God's grace i have the gift of sight and can still enjoy the visible wonders of the created order.

However, i was very aware as i prayed that in several areas my 'vision' is somewhat impaired. My perspective is often near sighted, narrow and leads me down the road to Jericho, where i can identify with Bartimaeus, who cries out repeatedly, "Lord, have mercy on me!"

"Yes, Lord, have mercy on me! For i am not able to 'see' your presence and action as i would like to. The world sometimes seems a bleak place, especially when i read the headline stories in the newspapers of people dying, mugged, raped, and every horror that is not only 'in the movies'. There are times when i am even unable to find You in my own 'story'......"

But what gave me much consolation was Bartimaeus' courage to name his need, his blindness and persist in crying out to Jesus. He could not see Jesus for himself but he trusted his senses that Jesus was near, and would somehow come through for him. His courage puts me to shame for there are times when i give in to the blindness of desolation too easily, far too easily.

As i too am healed of my blindness, i can feel the desire strengthen to 'follow Jesus on the way'......even as He heads to Jerusalem.

See Him looking at you

2010-12-06T21:09:00.003+08:00

This is a favorite exercise of Teresa of Avila for allowing us to experience the love of Christ for ourselves. It was one of those fundamental exercises that she recommended to everyone.

"Imagine you see Jesus standing before you....He is looking at you.....all you have to do is see Him looking at you". "See Him looking at you," Teresa says, "lovingly and humbly".

"Many find it hard to imagine Jesus looking at them lovingly - their image of Jesus is the image of someone who is harsh and demanding, someone who, even if he loves them, loves them only if they are good. The second attitude they find even more difficult to accept. That Jesus should look at them humbly? Impossible! Once again they have not understood the Jesus of the NT. They have never taken seriously the fact that Jesus has become their servant and slave, a man who washes their feet, who willingly dies the death of a slave out of love for them"

(Tony de Mello SJ)

Tending....discerning

2010-12-01T16:45:00.005+08:00

I was given a lady's finger plant a couple of weeks ago. I have been tending it (sort of) - just by placing it in bright sunlight and watering it and the 'one' fruit has grown to eatable size. However, i've been told that it would be better to let it dry up and then sow the seeds to produce new plants. Though i figure out that i would need a whole patch of ground or a trough to plant enough just for a 'stir fried ladies finger' dish.

It is very much like tending our souls. Sometimes we are quick to harvest the 'fruit' immediately, not realizing that it would be better left to mature and then multiply, to produce a hundred fold. There are seasons in our lives when we do not rush out and start doing good works, as we may be outpacing God's grace.

I reckon i am often tempted in both directions. Sometimes to 'hold back' when it would be appropriate to go ahead, trusting God for the resources......and sometimes to 'pushing on' when i am not fully supported by God's grace and i depend on my own strength.

Discernment is the art of being at balance in our hearts so that it is God's Spirit who moves us either one way or the other. It is in practice like being a balance of a scale at equilibrium, not tipping one side or the other, until the grace of God moves us. Perhaps this comes to me at the end of a year when i have not been too disciplined in this art, thereby sometimes feeling the pressure of 'many things' and at other times the temptation to fill in the 'empty spaces' that feel too unproductive.

At this point and as i look ahead to another year......i remind myself that my goal and purpose is the "praise, reverence and service of God".

What is your name?

2010-11-26T23:40:00.003+08:00

Simon Peter was one of the disciples who went through a change of name, as the Lord called and affirmed him. I have heard it said that his name was changed from "Simon the taufoo" to "Peter the Rock". Apart from the laughs we get, it is a fairly accurate description. After all, Simon who was all bravado on the outside was actually trembling on the inside. He cut off a servant's ear as Jesus was arrested. Why not one of the soldiers'? And later his denials speak volumes about his real inner condition.

I believe we all have 'names' that the Lord gives us. What names does Jesus give me that express my role in his kingdom? What names does Jesus confer on me, as he did on Peter (you Satan; Matt. 16: 13 - 23) that reflect aspects of my life where I do not yet embrace God's ways?

During this reflection i came up with "Joy and Freedom" as my most authentic name, while i believe "Fear and Grief" reflect my 'need for redemption' name. I realize that these names reflect the ways i am most aligned and least aligned with God. They reflect the ways i am easily distracted and even tempted, often to desolation; and also the ways i can remain in consolation. Like the senior devil advises the junior devil in C.S. Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" the place to attack is where the humans are weak, especially if they are not aware of the weak point.

The encouraging thing is that Peter found his 'redemption', his failure did not define him for ever and he found reconciliation and was recommissioned (John 21). Yes, we are all persons in process, unfinished creations.....may we be malleable clay in our loving Potter's hands.

Being "called"

2010-11-15T19:39:00.004+08:00

Have been praying the passage on Jesus' baptism. The Spiritual Exercises asks the retreatant to imagine that at some point, Jesus leaves his hometown of Nazareth, saying goodbye to his mother. I imagined how he came to that decision.......perhaps through his years of waiting on the Father, he had developed a discerning heart and knew when the time was right. I imagined how his long years of preparation brought him to this significant entry into his life of ministry. It's amazing how often we just jump into ministry, whether prepared or not, whether led by God or not! And through the years, during times of struggle, the confusion and discouragement sets in.

Our Lord was well prepared for the "call". For us it is more often a longer process of trial and error, as we take small steps to discern God's direction for us. Perhaps it is because we have so many 'baggages' to let go, and it takes us time to let go, slowly and one by one, even though conceptually we 'know' that God can be trusted fully and completely.

From the baptism passages, after appreciating Jesus' "call", we are told to meditate on our "call". One of the passages, on "Zacchaeus" was significant for me. I noticed just how keen he was to meet Jesus. Nothing deterred him - not what others might have thought of him (his reputation of being a sinner), or how he looked (short stature). It is therefore not too surprising how he responded to Jesus - willing to give up his 'baggages' - those things that kept him from Jesus. I found myself also wanting to 'give over' those things that have a hold on me - particularly the worries and fears (that sounds better when i call them 'concerns'). It is amazing that when one focuses on Jesus, it is true that "the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace". Most times, our eyes/ears/senses are distracted in a myriad of ways. Lord, have mercy and help us turn our eyes upon you.

Birthday surprises

2010-11-11T18:03:00.005+08:00

I am so grateful for the 'colorful' birthday this year, although it seems this year the greetings, meals and gifts have all come early. First from a friend two weeks ago, as she was going on holiday after that and will be back only in a week's time. It's been some colorfully wrapped gifts and a couple of meals; especially memorable being the special ice creams. Today i received a surprise bouquet of flowers. Really bright and beautiful. Something to enjoy just as it is, while the flowers are in full bloom. I already had a thought of whether i could press some of the flowers when they dry up, but decided to let that utilitarian thought go for the time being. Since my birthday is tomorrow, i shall leave two other wrapped gifts to open tomorrow... my family insists on a meal out over the weekend, although i would just as well be satisfied with some ice cream.

I believe the Lord is also saying something through all this....and that is, "enjoy the surprises of life that i bring to you, trust me - the one who loves you and wishes good for you."

All these thoughts come at a time when i am praying for greater freedom to allow God to be God.......firstly, to accept my spiritual poverty and total dependence on God (The Two Standards), and secondly in making choices, to ask God what he wants - the Third Type of Person (rather than offer him what i choose, thereby being in control again)

It has been revealing in the recent prayers to recognize how i take control of things, as a default option, thus leaving little room for trust and dependence on God.... yet the 'freedom' comes not by willing it from myself, but lightly and gently, as a gift from God, as one prays and asks for it. At this stage, i feel that i have let go somewhat with God's help, although the temptation to take charge is always present (being a 'default' option, it plays in the background, even without conscious assent sometimes.......) Perhaps even this is reminder of how dependent one is upon God, and how humbling to know i could not even seek him, if he did not give me the grace to.

"He who created you...He who formed you....says. "I am with you" (Isaiah 43)

Early life of Jesus

2010-11-03T12:49:00.002+08:00

As part of the Ignatian retreat in daily life, i have been meditating on the early years of Jesus' life. It has been very enlightening, even though there are actually few passages in Scripture about those thirty years or so, before he entered his 'mission', which was only a short three years. As i tried to imagine what life was like for him, it was revealing. Though we can never be certain of the details, i grew to appreciate the fact that like us Jesus lived a very commonplace existence for thirty years! There is no evidence that his townspeople knew him to be special before then, and even after he began to minister, they refused to accept him as any more than a 'carpenter's son'.

What strikes me most is how for God, time is never an issue. He's never in a hurry, something that i need to appreciate again and again. To Him, there is a time and place for everything, and that gives me great comfort.

I learned the lesson last week as i waited a few days to have an ultrasound test because a cancer marker was raised. The results are generally ok, but there is one part of my pancreas that appears a bit 'bulky'....coupled with the fact that my ultrasound pictures are actually quite unique (due to the many cysts in my polycystic kidneys!!) To visualize the area more clearly, it was suggested that i have a contrast CT scan. But i am not rushing into this for now. Learning to sit on things and let myself 'wait' upon.....a God who is never in a hurry.

It is amazing that God would send his son to us, in such a way that he lived our humanity in a realistic way. He didn't come as a superboy who grows up instantly, then saves the world in an instant.....no, he truly clothed himself in our fleshly garments, he knows what it is to be human, to live within the constraints of sacred time, even though he is from eternity to eternity.

Ignatian principle and foundation

2010-10-23T20:32:00.004+08:00

This week i had a small taste of what it might be like to really live into the Ignatian "Principle and Foundation" that we pray at the start of the Spiritual Exercises. I reviewed my journal and reread what my responses had been during that prayer time a few weeks ago. This week after the results of a blood test, my "yes" to the "Principle and Foundation" was 'tested'. The test results show that a cancer marker is raised even more than it has been before. It's been raised for a few years but never to this level. So of course i spent some time in anxious thoughts, particularly recalling that recently i have been hearing about several people who have cancer of the pancreas! Well, i decided to have a scan but the radiologist at the usual hospital i go to was on leave......after some thought, i decided i would wait until next week, rather than rush somewhere else, also given that my schedule was tight this week.

As i review my week now, i notice that peace settled in after a couple of days, and i am thankful for the friends who keep me in prayer. I am also grateful to notice that fear of illness has less of a hold on my life now. Of course i would be quite sad if told that i have cancer - and i'm sure all the ' grief reactions' will emerge.......yet i also know that deep down i hear and want to respond to the invitation to connect to a desire that undergirds every other desire - our longing for God as God - the creature's full dependence upon the Creator.

"God freely created us so that we might know, love and serve him in this life and be happy with him forever. .......All things in this world are gifts of God, created for us, to be the means by which we can come to know him better, love him more surely, and serve him more faithfully. ....... In everyday life then, we should keep ourselves indifferent or undecided in the face of all created gifts when we have an option and we do not have the clarity of what would be a better choice......We ought not to be led on by our natural likes and dislikes, even in matters such as health or sickness, wealth or poverty......

Rather our only desire and our one choice should be that option which better leads us to the goal for which God created us."

(Principle and Foundation Spiritual Exercises)

An Ignatian Journey

2010-10-13T22:02:00.003+08:00

It has been almost six weeks since i, together with a group, embarked on an Ignatian prayer journey, called the "Nineteenth annotation" retreat based on the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius of Loyola. We pray according to a series of daily exercises and meet up once a month to share our experiences. Very organized and intentional! Something that does not suit everyone and it's probably the way we are - some work better when things are organized and others just dip into formal prayer exercises as and when.....

I have reached a stage of praying the Incarnation and of course the Nativity passages come up for prayer. Christmas in October! But in a way, it is good that the festive season is not yet here....now i am able to read the nativity passages anew without the influence of all the trappings, that's even found in churches near Christmas.

One thing i noticed as i prayed the birth of Jesus passages - is the really humble surroundings He chose to be born in. Imagine the kind of strong smelling barn, and not too clean animals around. Yet that's how our God came near in order to be really present with humankind who in most cases had locked Him out of their hearts and homes....as i entered the scene in my imagination, i found myself wishing it was a cleaner place....less messy. I found myself wondering what kind of God chooses to come as a helpless human babe - not, precisely, a 'superkid' who would grow up instantly and show the world his powers. Why this acceptance of lowly, humble beginnings? Perhaps to invite humans like us to embrace our humanity, our limitations, our graced creaturehood. This world seems to laud and encourage people to be 'superhuman', the greater the achievements the better......until the creature in his pride forgets his Creator.

Jottings

2010-10-10T22:01:00.003+08:00

It was Joy's first birthday yesterday. She's adorable but we realize now, not too well trained. In fact rather easily excitable with her welcome when guests come. She has a healthy loud bark for her size and can sound aggressive though all she wants is to play. It takes a few minutes of the person settling down for her to be quiet and then she's fine. But i can imagine if she were a larger seventy pound dog getting so excited....well, not much harm for now, since she's turned out quite a 'mini' Schnauzer at below 6 kg.

I worked at a healthscreening center yesterday.....from 8 am to 2 pm. This was one of the occasional places..... i would not want to work there on a regular basis. The work was basically a 'technical' one, taking samples and explaining test results. No medication given and no follow ups as the clients are from outstation!! If necessary they are to go find a doctor there. I guess it was the lack of relational connection that left me rather bored at the end of it. All the more because most of the clients were Mandarin speaking, and although i had an interpreter, it isn't the same as communicating in one's mother tongue.

How do i at this stage of my life, follow Jesus authentically? What does it mean to do so? These are questions at the back of my mind quite often. Perhaps there is much to be learned in persevering in mundane tasks, even if they are not 'enjoyable'. I am grateful too for the income that is the Lord's provision.

How much 'work'?

2010-10-06T22:03:00.003+08:00

It seems a bit strange that after many years of wanting to 'retire' from medical practice, i have not done so. This year has been in particular a challenging time, having to decide whether i should take on extra locum sessions - it seems like more work than i expected or really wanted has been offered. In actual fact, i have taken on much more than the last year or two. Even then i just could not manage to take on a fairly long stretch of locum that involved eleven hours of day in a busy clinic!! At least that much i was able to decide based on knowing how much i can actually handle without getting stressed out. Even then it is not easy to know when i should say Yes and when i need not.

How much does one really 'need'? This question of needs and wants is most difficult to answer, all the more when there are family members to consider. Anyway, at present i tend to base my decision on an average monthly income that i think i will need, although there are always unexpected things like replacing car tyres and correcting plumbing problems at home!

To people i probably sound like a 'reluctant' doctor........it is not clinical work as such but the way i see health and healing these days. I find myself not so eager to give quick remedies (though that's the expected role) but rather to relate to people on their needs as a whole (rather than just address the cold or cough or bodyache). I found a lot of relief when i read the writing of the late Gerald May (a psychiatrist and spiritual director) as i felt the same way without being able to articulate it myself: He writes about

"professional caregivers who struggle to seek a deep prayerful presence while they are with their clients or patients....I have seen scores of health care professionals ...gradually leave their traditional professional roles because they are no longer satisfied with being technicians and cannot bear the duplicity of working with people who want technical help"

(I must add that there is nothing wrong with the patient's perspective of wanting solutions....but the health professional has a real struggle when they no longer belief in just providing technical help! In my case, as perhaps in May's, our immersion in the practice of spiritual direction has moved us to see life and persons in a different, less problem oriented way)

How time flies

2010-10-05T21:20:00.004+08:00

I was looking forward to this last quarter of the year as it is supposed to be a 'quieter' time for me. Well, last week was the start of it, but another plumbing (wc) problem and a computer problem cropped up and there was the wait for the people to come and fix them! By now, the contractor-plumber must be shaking his head - the toilets in this house seem to take turns to give trouble. Makes it seem like it's heavy duty usage.....this time round the problem seemed to start just after the cleaner started work. Since then i told her not to flush lots of toilet paper or pour the bucket of mopping water in, when cleaning. Still, it acted up.......

Not very 'restful' for me, because i tend to be a bit restless until 'problems' are solved. And in my most 'unredeemed self' people also become 'problems' to be set right ! How gracious God is not to treat me this way :-) This attitude is not helpful particularly for the spiritual life. I am learning that my life, our lives is very much 'mystery' just as God himself is 'Mystery'. No neatly tied faith solutions. It is one day at a time, in fact, one breath at a time.

And it is all about growing in intimacy with God - never merely moral but spiritual formation. Life is not a puzzle to solve but a mystery to be lived, 'together with' , working side by side with the Lord who has called and invited us to respond to his love.

An away weekend

2010-09-26T20:06:00.003+08:00

Just back from helping at a spiritual formation program. Camerons was cold, and i seemed to feel it more than others. Indeed i wasn't among the oldest - there were quite a few people older, so it wasn't just "I'm getting old". It was difficult to function at times, even with a warm jacket,with cold hands and feet and a cold nose! The first night i could hardly sleep because i was feeling cold even tucked in bed! The second night was better probably because i was really tired by then.

I noticed that i felt a bit uncomfortable with the group......i met most of them the first time - a few months ago, at a similar program. Then too, i was uncomfortable but could not understand why.....(Obviously it is not due to them - and i needed to ask myself why i have such reactions) This was at the back of my mind for a while.

Then on the drive back, it came to me..........i felt uncomfortable because there were so many men in the Methodist group (more than women!). I guess i have never really done ministry to mixed groups - it has always been with women, where i feel fairly comfortable, even though public speaking is not a great gift. Part of this discomfort probably comes from my Baptist heritage where women usually do not 'teach' mixed groups. I don't know what it is like now but that was certainly my past experience. Anyway, this weekend i was not teaching anything, just being a spiritual companion for a few of the participants. I had three men and three women in my group, and it was really God's gift that they were all willing to share their journey with me!! It is always humbling to share someone else's journey........and i am encouraged to see that the discipline of spiritual direction is found useful by more and more people.

Well, back to the more mundane...... and finding God there too!

Gift of prayer, gift of special lives

2010-09-19T22:10:00.004+08:00

It has been quite an interesting ten days.......the public holidays during Hari Raya were good days mostly spent at home, trying to 'live and pray' the materials i was going to use for a retreat..........a friend's dog died and i tried to be supportive.....It is not easy losing a pet even if the animal has been sickly for a while.

Somehow, thankfully the scapular ache is much better, and does not wake me up as i turn in my sleep. Don't need those 'plasters' every day and i hardly notice it except when typing too long on the computer.

Yesterday was a special day. The greater part of the day was spent facilitating a silent retreat. It is always a joy to provide the space for others to seek quiet with the Lord. These days i hope more and more that what i share comes from a restful and congruent place within myself. It is always a tension between sharing a passion for the spiritual journey - and being 'preachy' to others. I always remind myself that in a retreat, the inputs are not that important - it is a time for the participants to meet God in whatever way He leads them.......the framework given should not distract from this purpose.

Last night brought another type of gift. I went with my husband to the New Hope (ministry for special needs persons) mooncake celebration. Have been attending this annual function for several years. Each time i am amazed and overwhelmed by the special needs people. Mostly, they are not as self conscious as 'normal' people..they show their real feelings more readily. And many have much love to offer, in a spontaneous manner. David (Kar Wai) is one of them - always ready with warm hugs, smiles and handshakes.......Some are more shy but are ready with smiles, especially those without speech. Two things touch me: the parents of these special needs people have accepted their human limitations and one mother spoke of her son giving her much joy. Secondly, i am always reminded that i am accepted by them not for what i can do - they don't really 'know' me for anything more than just 'myself'........that's how they treat people, rather than sizing them up based on their 'do-ings'.....

I find glimpses of God's unconditional love being made tangible in and through these persons who remind me that 'being' is at the root of any 'doing'.

Computer as new!

2010-09-09T14:56:00.004+08:00

I have been having quite a few 'problems' with my computer of late......its been slowing down a lot, lack of hard disk space and so on. Last two weeks it has been undergoing various check ups with a friend who has technical expertise. Initially we thought the problem was solved - only to find it recurring several days later. I even got the hard disk 'cloned' to one with larger space. This worked for a few days but then error messages kept coming up time and again. Again, my friend tried to trouble shoot but the whole system seemed unstable and the error messages kept coming up - it was like the antivirus program did not allow me to connect to the internet. We decided that something more drastic needed to be done. So yesterday, my whole system was deleted and restored to factory settings from the recovery disk. Today, it is like I have a 'new' computer. Of course I have backed up all my saved documents........but it is fun to 'start anew' with few programs and hardly any stored files. This helps it run really fast and much more smoothly....i don't know for how long.....perhaps until the bits and pieces of saved information start to pile up!

If only our human systems - either physical or spiritual, were that simple to 'renew'. Of course they are not and we carry many years of physical strain, not to mention the emotional and spiritual. I have had a tiring week, especially Monday and Tuesday - up early and out nearly the whole day for various things until after 10 pm. It looks like the old 'body' can hardly take this kind of thing any more. The emotional and spiritual seem at a peaceful place, yet the tired physical system does affect my ability to do much soul reflection! Anyway, I look forward to the next two days of public holiday to stay at home and rest, most particularly to renew physical reserves. Meanwhile, the lovely plant that climbs over my garden wall continue to bloom and buds are always present.......

Pacing.....

2010-09-03T11:16:00.004+08:00

How true that to attend to God we need to pace.......neither going ahead or lagging behind. For many of us, the usual problem is going ahead - perhaps that's true spiritually for those of us who literally, physically walk fast (and i am one of those, not only because of longer strides but also because of the desire to complete many things in a short time!)

Recently i have had to 'pace' myself. The 'old' ligaments over my scapular have started to give a chronic ache - from 'overuse' - probably the lifting of heavy objects (including dogs!). Now even typing on the computer aggravates and so does driving. Have tried to drive with one arm - but not very successful (or safe) as the steering wheel is heavy. Anyway, i am learning to live with the ache - that recurs as a reminder to "pace'.

These limitations are all timely reminders of our creaturehood before God the Creator. It is all too easy to forget and to attempt to live lives as "super - people" rather than just fully human, as Jesus showed us in the incarnation. He surely felt tired, hungry, sad, angry at times, and in his physical body chose to lovingly experience the limitations of the human condition.

There have been timely 'interruptions' recently - those days when further house repairs are done - are days i have purposely left 'free' to be at home. Today work is going on with the kitchen tap........and as i work at my computer, i have to rest at intervals or shift my arm position when i feel the ache starting.

If only we were more aware of the spiritual shifts we are invited to make....when the spiritual aches start, rather than moving on to the next thing to 'solve' issues instead of listening to the voice of God in them. Pacing helps.......whether for shoulder or spiritual aches.

Preparing for the day

2010-08-24T11:07:00.005+08:00

Lord, i so wish to prepare well for this day

i so want to make all of me ready and attentive and available to you

Please help me clarify and purify my intentions

i have so many contradictory desires

My activity seems to be so full of busyness and running after stuff

that doesn't really seem to matter or last.

I know that if i give you my heart whatever i do will follow my new heart

May all that i am today, all that i try to do today, may all my encounters,

reflections, even the frustrations and failings all place my life

in your hands.

Lord, my life is in your hands.

Please let this day give you praise.

Amen

Gift of flowers

2010-08-21T14:58:00.004+08:00

I usually don't keep fresh flowers around inside the house......not because i don't like them but they need changing and so on and i wouldn't be able to keep up with the task......but this bunch of flowers that bloomed outside last week (and new buds are still coming up) are a real gift. The plant was just a cutting from a friend Mrs Lai several months ago. I stuck the cutting into a pot and it seemed to 'take'. After it grew to a reasonable foot or so, my husband transferred it to the planting shelf just outside the garden wall. And it has flourished.......to give beautiful blossoms.
In the words of the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins, "....for all this (that is, a world that is 'bleared, smeared with toil', nature is never spent; there is the dearest freshness deep down things" All because God the Creator of all is ever creative.

Season of illness (2)

2010-08-20T22:18:00.003+08:00

The end of the week finds me well - something i am grateful for - the flu bug seems to have passed me by. But the past few days of my son's asthma has been tiring for me, if not also a tiresome interruption for him - during his break between semesters. The asthma did not seem to be improving and so yesterday i took him for a chest x ray. Thankfully this proved to be normal and the advice of the chest physician was to start him on oral steroids, in addition to the inhalers . This has helped him quite a bit, and there is a gradual improvement. After a full day's work today, i could feel myself really tired and a short nap after dinner was really helpful.

At this point of reviewing the week, i am asking the Lord for the grace of gratitude. On one level it has been rather trying and tiring. Yet through it all, the Lord has been around, sometimes seemingly in the background, but always there as a comforting presence. Not a genie to wave away everything difficult in a jiffy but a companion offering strength along life's way.

As i reflected i was reminded of the flowers that have bloomed in my garden. A friend gave me a cutting from a flowering creeper. After several months it is now blooming quite profusely, without much care except for water and some plant 'vitamins'. I will take a photo soon and 'share' its simple beauty!

O God of love, thank you for your daily providence, sometimes mysterious and not so 'welcome', yet always accompanied by your gift of presence. May i be more and more aware of your gifts.

Season of illness

2010-08-16T20:18:00.004+08:00

The family has been unwell. Last week one son came down with the flu with high fever....took him a few days to get better, but it was uncomplicated. Then over the weekend, while i was away at a retreat, the other son fell sick. He had high fever too, but since he is asthmatic, he had an attack of asthma last night. I was back by then, and thankfully the old nebuliser set we've had for almost twenty years is still working and he got his nebulised steroids. Today the fever is lower than the 39C it was yesterday.

I have stayed home today to watch him, as the asthma still requires the nebulised medication. I managed to get out of my work tonight - thankfully, they found a replacement. It is actually a great relief to be at home when a child is sick. This son is really sick when the asthma comes and appreciates having someone around. I've spent the day mostly at home apart from a short trip out to buy more medicine. Also resting a bit, and having the afternoon nap i really need. And catching up on emails.

I have been feeling the strain of working in the evenings - being out regularly from 6 to 9 pm.

I've been trying for a long time to decide whether to go on with the evening work. There are weeks I go in only once as opposed to the maximum of three times. On average i take two slots. Well, the decision to stop or not will not be easy, as i have children who are still studying in private institutions of higher learning. I suppose i'll have to hold on and give time for any final decision. In the meantime, i hope to take some sort of break, especially in September.

I truly hope that the flu bug passes me and my husband by.........

Yes be yes and no be no

2010-08-13T07:06:00.003+08:00

I had a tyre puncture on Wednesday night just after leaving work at 9 pm. Strange, but when I heard the flappy sound coming somewhere from the back, I somehow knew that it was a tyre problem. Totally flat. Thankfully, I managed to drive slowly to a petrol station (without damaging the rim much) and call the AAM for help. They came to the rescue within the hour and changed the tyre.

Anyhow, I went to a tyre shop to get the tyre changed yesterday morning . I asked for a particular make of tyre. The mechanic said he would check if there was stock. A few minutes later, after a phone call or two he came and said "no stock" - but why not take the model they have. I was not convinced and since it wasn't urgent to change the tyre there and then I made a decision to 'think about it'. I was frank in telling him that it wasn't urgent to change - the spare was working ok and anyway, i would be away the weekend and didn't need my car.

At that point, he changed his tune and said - maybe the make I want is available after all - and he went back to make a quick call - and then said it is available. Well, by then i felt upset at almost being taken advantage of..........but since i was already there i went ahead with the change.

This kind of experience is new to me. For those in the 'business' world, it must be a common thing. But i never suspected the ploy, i thought they were honest in saying they didn't have the model i wanted - so i really felt upset at the thought that i looked like someone they could easily persuade and take advantage of.

Being 'fools for Christ' might feel something like this. In a world where one has to be 'street smart' to get by, we are asked to preach a message of love and forgiveness. We have a Savior who was 'taken advantage' of - who 'put himself in the hands of the world' in order to save the world. I didn't like the feeling of being taken advantage of - i guess it hurt my pride in some way - to be thought of as a 'pushover'(to use the young peoples' term) for a sales pitch. This experience tells me something about myself; far more than reminding me of the conniving 'ways of the world'. I could just shake my head at the mechanic's actions and stand in judgment at 'all these less than honest sales people'. At the deepest level, I have to remember that they just 'don't know what they are doing'.........and similarly our Lord realizes we don't know what we're doing (much of the time anyway) and therefore offers mercy and forgiveness.

Well, praise God for another graced experience that asks me to 'test my reactions'.

Feeling our feelings

2010-08-10T10:00:00.006+08:00

These days i find the need more and more to 'discern my feelings'. Must be mid life when the hormone and energy levels drop and the very lowering in the physical sense brings about some lowering of mood. Feeling good and uplifted is not so common these days.....not so much sadness but just a tiredness........Now i realize the importance of dealing with this maze of feelings carefully, in order not to allow myself to be swept away by them.

I am assisted by something I learnt from the Ignatian tradition: to pay attention, to understand and to act.......as a way to keep on level ground.

Paying attention is assisted by spending time reviewing the day - what are all the feelings that came and went, or perhaps stayed a while longer.....to be aware and name them; not in order to judge initially, but just to be aware. For they are part of who i am right now, and where i am in my journey with God. I may be in consolation or in desolation.
Then we try to understand. Where might these feelings be coming from? If they are desolation are they indications of a physical disorder, of over tiredness, of an emotional block in our lives? If they seem to be consolation, are they true spiritual joy or just happiness and pleasure that could come from purely self centered ways? These all need attending to as they can become stumbling blocks in living out our journey of intimacy with God.

Finally we act on the feelings. If they lead us toward God - in faith, hope and love, we receive them with much gratitude. If they lead us away from God and others, we do what we need to do with God's help and grace, to find a resolution for them. In this way we live our lives more and more in resonance with "life in all its fullness" as described by John in his gospel.

Humbling.....

2010-08-05T14:32:00.006+08:00

It is always very humbling to come home after a 'spiritual guidance' session and find the house in some mess and much housework needing to be done. One can get so caught up in the 'clouds' of the so called 'spiritual' that one forgets the daily sanctity of the mundane. Or similarly, it is actually 'easy' for me to go to work at the clinic - where I am free of any mundane chores like cleaning up instruments after a procedure and so on.......- than face the mundane chores at home - where the only person i 'perform' for is God!!

Anyhow, i am glad for being at home much of today, sitting at my desk to reply emails and prepare some material for a retreat next week. But the mundane also surrounds me - in between i get up for a break to prepare my own lunch, then to prepare for dinner for my family - to cook before i leave for a spiritual formation meeting. It helps to move around a bit when i am stuck and let ideas and thoughts flow as i work with my hands.

Thus the gratitude for the chores that keep me grounded. Of course at times, i struggle and protest - but that's part of the 'resistance' to God that comes whether in prayer or in the kitchen.

In everything you do....do so for the glory of God. A simple truth most deeply learned in the tasks that earn no human recognition.

Another Rilke gem

2010-08-01T16:23:00.003+08:00

Why am i reaching again for the brushes?

When i paint your portrait, God,

nothing happens.

But i can choose to feel you.

At my senses' horizon

you appear hesitantly,

like scattered islands.

Yet standing here, peering out,

i'm all the time seen by you.

The choruses of angels use up all of heaven

There's no more room for you

in all that glory. You're living

in your very last house.

All creation holds its breath, listening within me,

because to hear you, i keep silent.

(Rilke seems to be aware of the utter simplicity of heart that makes space for God........sometimes we are too wordy in our religion, too noisy, too grasping, too filled with strong beliefs - yet for who's 'glory' - that the flicker of faith dies down.....)

God, the silent core....

2010-07-31T12:24:00.003+08:00

Whoever reconciles the many contradictions of his life

gratefully gathering them into one symbol,

expels the noisy crowd from his abode

and in a different kind of festive mood

receives You as his guest on gentle evenings

You are the Other in his solitude,

a silent center for his conversations with himself,

and every circle drawn around You

makes his compass span beyond the rim of time.

(Rainer Maria Rilke)

When we reconcile the contradictions in our life - perhaps gathering them into the great symbol of the Cross - then in a 'festive and gentle' way God becomes our guest. He stands as silent core of our prayers, center of a circle whose periphery goes beyond time - eternity.

Ageing gracefully

2010-07-26T20:23:00.004+08:00

Last weekend, i had the graced opportunity to meet two 82 year old gentlemen! One was the lecturer at a course and the other someone who in his seventies used to drive my children to and from school. I was trying to guess the age of the lecturer - and thought he would have been over seventy, but was really surprised to know his age when someone asked him at the end of the course. He spoke with great clarity and is full of 'life', always conscious and grateful to our God of Mystery, who speaks to us and loves us. Indeed we are immersed in the sea of God. Perhaps this is an important formula for staying 'young' - to continue looking ahead with hope, with joy and expectancy of God's surprises.

The other gentleman is someone my children sometimes complained about those years when he drove them around - for example when they were late coming out of school (due to chatting away) and were scolded by him! Several times he got quite impatient with my children and i had to placate him or he would not have continued driving them! When we went to his birthday dinner on Saturday, he recalled those times with my children who have probably forgotten how difficult they were at times.

I do not have my parents or even inlaws to show me this phase of life - they passed on rather early on. So i am always grateful to be in the company of those who in their ageing gracefully, are still full of life, whatever their age. Their focus is less on themselves, aches and pains and so on, than on the outside world. Perhaps the words of the psalmist is apt "When i grow old and gray, do not leave me, O God; give me time to declare your might, your power to all generations to come."

Consolation-desolation shifts

2010-07-22T15:12:00.003+08:00

I have experienced shifts between consolation and desolation.....these past three weeks, partly due to the added clinic workload. The hours at clinic have been busy, many people to attend to, each with their needs, be it as simple as a upper respiratory infection, to more chronic problems, and even to stress related illnesses. Foreign workers (the general workers category) have a very limited budget for medical bills and most probably their employers do not reimburse them. I also wonder if they will be paid if given medical leave. It is sometimes difficult to work within their budget and still provide them with adequate, responsible care, as i have no say in the charges. Maids however are usually well taken care of and their employers pay their medical bills - for that I am grateful.

In my younger days it was not difficult to see many, many outpatients - one by one, rather impersonally, of course - just to get the load cleared. Now it is different. Perhaps I'm older, perhaps i see people more and more as unique beings and would like to try to acknowledge that uniqueness even as i deal with the physical symptoms.

I generally feel consoled when i can connect with someone and have been able to help them, in whatever way they need - whether it is medication or just medical leave. The desolation sneaks in when i don't allow myself time to 'debrief' - even just to name and acknowledge the feelings to myself and give them over to God. When the hours are so packed that there is no break in between - then i need to do the debriefing a home.

In all this time, Joy has been a real help. Sabbath too of course. But just one look at Joy - in her 'baby-ness' and i remember to smile. I remember that life is not to be such a serious thing. And that God 'smiles' too, if we would choose to turn towards him.

New Nazareths (Gerard Manley Hopkins sj)

2010-07-21T10:09:00.004+08:00

Wild air, world-mothering air,

Nestling me everywhere....

I say that we are wound

With mercy round and round,

As if with air, the same.....

And makes, O marvellous!

New Nazareths in us.

(Such a grace to experience the nurturing embrace of God's mercy - as if the air around was God's mercy - so light and invisible, so easily missed......yet He is more than present - we are as it were, immersed in God's mercy. I suppose a growth in this awareness will create in us new and deep places, indeed "Nazareths" where the Christ life matures. Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote poetry out of his very personal experiences, and himself went through many times of darkness. Perhaps it is out of places where we are broken open and emptied, that God's Spirit, living water, can be poured in)

"Perfectionist" God

2010-07-20T17:06:00.004+08:00

I just realized the other day that I prefer a "perfectionist" God. A distorted image of the God we are all trying to grasp each in our own unique and limited way. It was an eye opener - during one of those times when i complain to God about the messiness of life.....The words "you are looking for a perfectionist God" came to mind, quite simply and gently. And i was struck by the reality of this.....how i actually wish for a God who like me, prefers his creation in order - and after all he is quite capable to see to it that it is orderly. Yet he does not, and invites me to a life of I saw how my many struggles with the untidiness of life, with the uncooperative people around who complicate matters, and interfere with my agenda, making demands that are not part of my tidy plans. Life is complicated because there's too many tasks, too many needs.....I usually prefer to plan my life and then offer it to God (though he has many times over taught me otherwise, the habit dies hard..... and painfully as well!!)

To quote something i read recently, "The interruptions are as integral to the scene as anything i had planned. I only receive the day and the program that comes to me during the day from God. And that's what makes the difference"

Undivided attention

2010-07-18T20:57:00.004+08:00

Luke 10 : 38 - 42

Many many things in life distract us from being attentive to the Lord. In fact, much of the time, the 'many things' (v 41) are quite legitimate concerns - about work, our loved ones, our relationships and so on. They are not even frivolous things; they are real concerns and we try to get Jesus' attention. He seems to be less interested than we are.....and we say "do you not care....?"

I was talking to someone yesterday as she described the difficult situation in her family. There truly seems no 'way out' as the other family members are not cooperating..... i find that we usually can't accept that Jesus does not forcefully change others without their cooperation.......instead he invites those who are willing, to sit at his feet, and listen, and rest in him. To be rightly and legitimately concerned, yet not preoccupied. The world will go on without us for a while and at his feet, we regain strength and wisdom to do/say what is needed in the difficult situation and love the persons involved.

Anxiety and preoccupation (that goes beyond legitimate concern) keep us from listening and from giving the Lord our undivided attention. The problems will come and go in this life, but what is of lasting value is our relationship of loving attention to the Lord.

Lord, to be in your presence is life and joy....free us from our many preoccupations that we may give you our undivided love and attention.

Young people

2010-07-14T21:51:00.003+08:00

I'm kind of glad the World Cup is over.....well, i did get a little interested towards the end when only a few teams were left. I have memories of being a fan in my younger days, meaning schooldays - vague memories that at that time Germany and Holland were vying for first place. In this recent tournament, I've had young men around in my house in the early hours of morning watching the games, the dogs got excited with the many people and at times I must say i did not sleep all that well. One 'habit' of young men seems to be an aversion to cleanliness.......after being out at some mamak stall until fairly late, they come back and sleep without a bath.......most times i just ignore all this or I'll be nagging them to change the sheets every other day!! I don't bother now :-) and maybe that's a sign of greater freedom from shoulds and musts......

These couple of days I will be using a car belonging to my son's friend. He left it for us to use before going outstation for a week or so. Just timely for me - as I had to bring my car in for servicing to check some oil leak and it will take two days at least. I was pre-warned by my son ' You might find it smells a bit.....' Well, today I had my first exposure to a sweaty smelling car....yes it did smell! And the outside is coated - got my fingers black as I shut the car door......

I am still trying to 'adjust' to some of these 'challenges' of the very mundane and ordinary kind. I guess these things are more prominent as I have my children around during their tertiary education. Nothing too spectacular and noteworthy like the frustrations of 'real 'Christian ministry.....yet just another brand of the old "sandpaper of sanctification". O Lord, have mercy!!

Compassion beyond borders....

2010-07-11T21:55:00.006+08:00

Luke 10 : 25 - 37

What is written in the law? How do you read? .....Go and do likewise.

The somewhat 'frustrating' thing about Jesus was his 'parable' answers to people's religious questions. The 'lawyer' (one well grounded in the Law) who asked the question was probably seeking an interesting debate with Jesus, perhaps also to test his authenticity, as a teacher of the Law, the Torah. And up to a point, Jesus does lead him to the conventional answer: love God and neighbor (Deut. 6:5; Lev 19:18). But then when the lawyer shows that he wants further refining of the Law, Jesus tells a parable. The parable turns the tables upside down. The drama of the robbed and wounded man includes 'religious persons', a priest and levite. Both do not respond to the person in need. Why? we are not told exactly, but we usually try to find a 'reason' for example fear of ritual impurity, or maybe just too engrossed (perhaps in religious duties). It is really interesting that Jesus uses the example of two 'religious' persons (rather than just any two Jews) who somehow fail in their duty to help a needy person, who fail to be a loving 'neighbor'.

I believe Jesus saw through the lawyer's questions to his desire to limit the boundaries of love. Merely following the "Law", or "moral obligations" tends to narrow our boundaries. There are ways to do 'enough', perhaps even perform external deeds without true Christlike motivation, and in the doing become smug and self righteous.

Jesus' love and compassion extends beyond boundaries. The Samaritan similarly had compassion for a needy fellow human being, even one from beyond his 'boundary'. Perhaps a great challenge for all, especially if we consider ourselves 'religious', to ask "who are my neighbors? How do I relate to them?" Maybe it is a growthful grace when we find ourselves somewhat uncomfortable with this God who pushes the boundaries.

Working world.....

2010-07-07T22:29:00.003+08:00

This month sees me in the 'fray' of extra work......somehow, i had agreed on the extra locum before other things cropped up. So it's six hours three times a week for the rest of the month. Not much at all compared to people on full day jobs!! But it is really the most i can do at this point in my life. The clinic is really busy and on Monday, from 1 pm to 7 pm I had hardly a quiet moment. Today, because of the rain through the afternoon, there was some respite! The days in between would be filled with house chores and other meetings......and of course the space to 'be'.

This working world is not something i really identify with anymore. In the past month when i had to fill in forms asking "occupation" i found myself unable to fill that space up (of course these were non official forms, probably to get a database) A sense of not identifying with one particular thing i 'do' - perhaps this mid-life search for who I am amidst the many life changes, within and around me.

Perhaps desiring the doing and being to be more integrated. My formal "occupation" asks of me a type of responsibility that is not easy to bear for long. Not that I take home the patients' problems but there is always the need to follow through or leave instructions for follow through if I am not there to see the results of a test I have done.

Through this period I pray of course for the physical strength, also not to catch any infections (so many people have some form of respiratory illness). But more than that, i try to relate with the patients in a way that will be life giving for them - and also for me. Sometimes that means just listening - and having no clear 'answers' - and i am pleasantly surprised that people do accept 'no answers' and are willing to 'wait' or try a simple treatment before going for a whole battery of tests.

My prayer of course is also to be more and more myself even in this part time "occupation".

Doubting Thomas...

2010-07-03T22:36:00.009+08:00

Today is the feast of St Thomas the apostle, who is remembered by his words "Unless I see....I will not believe" - thereby called "doubting Thomas". But even more, I would say his most 'famous' words are "My Lord and my God", after Jesus graciously showed him His hands and side.

When doubts arise, we tend to shove them under a veneer of 'faith', by claiming the promises of God. This resurrection story reminds us that doubt is accepted by the Lord, the type of doubt that is not faithless, but that comes from a purification of deep faith. The honest shaking up is understood by our Lord, who indeed uses the occasion to lead us to new depths of faith. Sometimes, as for Thomas, He actually grants some 'real evidence' as a gift. Many other times, He leaves us in the doubts for a while, but all the time stays close to us, in order to give us the gift of a deeper purified faith. Faith gets purified eveytime we go through cylces of doubt and renewed belief. Either way the Lord responds to our doubts, His purpose is to bring new life into the complexity, ambiguity and the mystery of faith that we will experience this side of eternity.

"Now we see as in a mirror darkly.........then we shall see face to face".

A refreshing break

2010-06-30T17:15:00.004+08:00

Thankful for a refreshing break the last two days - at the seaside. Of course Port Dickson is not known for clean beaches....but this time round the beach in front of the hotel was clean indeed and the water looked fairly clear, not as murky as I remember in time past.....

It was easy to join the psalmists in praying the 'nature' psalms -because the trees, the water, the birds, the sunset - all 'declare the glory of God', simply and naturally. Just by being what they are, they give praise to God. A reminder that "we hallow the Father's name when we honor creation as the theatre of his presence and self-revelation. We hallow his name by these expectant, respectful attitudes, because he has endowed his creation with a symbolism which points to him."

"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord" (Psalm 150: 6) arises from the conviction that the whole reason for the world's existence is to reveal and hallow God's name.

Witness in illness

2010-06-27T15:19:00.003+08:00

It was a small grace, but nevertheless a grace......a couple of days ago, my husband had to have a small surgery on his forearm to refashion a shunt. It was done under local anaesthesia and at some point he must have mumbled "Praise the Lord". The surgeon commented that "Your God has looked after you well all these years - the previous shunt has lasted a long time" (almost ten years). Sometimes, it takes other people to remind us of God's providence, that comes in ways that we may not easily acknowledge.......prayers are 'answered' not so much with complete 'cures' but with small daily providences....that with the passage of time we can look back on.

2010-06-26T16:07:00.001+08:00

Now,

O Lord,

calm me into a quietness

that heals

and listens,

and molds my longings

and passions,

my wounds

and wonderings

into a more holy

and human

shape

(Ted Loder)

Back 'home'

2010-06-24T12:45:00.005+08:00

After a few days away in Singapore, it was really good to see our landscape again......in Singapore, it's blocks and blocks of almost similar flats and then more of the same.....in the housing area where I was staying. i even went for evening walks and found, to my surprise and delight that there are many birds in the trees lining the streets. The public transport is cheap and efficient - a great blessing, gives one plenty of exercise and reduces the need to drive everywhere. Of course it is good to be back in a less congested area, though some parts of KL are getting overdeveloped.

I managed to have a couple of quiet days of 'vacation with the Lord' - a refreshing time that helped me refocus my gaze upon the Lord. It is just too easy to avert our gaze in the rough and tumble of daily life. This gazing upon the Lord and allowing him to gaze upon us is a spiritual discipline that does not bear quick fruit or solve problems, yet in the long run, the vine grows healthy and begins to bear good fruit that ripens in the Lord's timing. Compare the taste of tree ripened fruit to the artificially ripened type we usually get because it is 'quick and efficient'.

Awareness of the Lord's working in our lives is a slow proces. Our eyes, ears and all our senses need time to become attuned....sometimes it's very subtle - comes when we notice a change in our usual ways of reacting to people and situations. And the change happens without real effort (in a 'wilful' manner) but just naturally. That is grace.....His power at work within us (Eph. 3: 20), the Lord's answers to our prayers, if we would just notice and receive the gift.

Possess your soul in patience (Luci Shaw)

2010-06-18T22:38:00.004+08:00

Own it. Hold your heart the way

You'd hold a live bird - your two hands

laced to latch it in, feeling

its feathery trembling, its fledgling

warmth, its faint anxieties

of protest, its heart stutter

against the palm of one hand, a fidget

in the pull of early light.

Possess it, restless, in

the finger cage of patience. Enfold

this promise with a blue sheen

on its neck, its wings a tremor

of small feathered bones

until morning widens like

a window, and God opens

your fingers and whispers, 'Fly!'

(There's always a desire to move ahead....to press on.....in doing so, even with all good intentions, God may be left behind.......

a difficult spiritual discipline....to ask Him 'what now? how should i proceed? what is needed now?' and await His mysterious unfolding)

God in the mundane

2010-06-15T21:46:00.004+08:00

This week I have more time at home to catch up on chores.....something I can get carried away doing! Very often I rush through just to get on to the 'real' parts of the day - reading or browsing through emails and other so called more 'significant' things.....But today I spent a couple of hours grooming Sabbath.......actually trimming her hair all over before giving her a bath! She was quite patient with me, and that helped a lot, but it took a long time because i used only a pair of scissors. Joy came into the bathroom time and again to check on us - but ran off when I brought the scissors near her. The job is well done and Sabs looks 'younger' and neater. Of course other chores were less pleasant and it was more difficult to take the attitude of actually enjoying them! But thankfully also, I met up with someone in the middle of the day and just being a companion was a great grace, as we listened for evidences of the Spirit in her life.

The football season has started.......and the three 'boys' in my house monopolise the TV during the matches....thankfully, I have the two 'girls' at my side!

I have yet to fully get used to this slower pace of life and work.......and feel truly liberated to do so. There are so many 'needs' around and especially in church. Yet the 'urgent' need not be the most 'important' as Nouwen wisely said. I was asked to consider taking on the chair of the counseling ministry next year - something I immediately declined - and was asked to 'pray about it'. I will be taking a few days off this weekend for a retreat on my own....first and foremost to hear more deeply the Voice that calls me, as all His creatures - 'beloved'.

Primary Wonder (Denise Levertov)

2010-06-13T14:44:00.004+08:00

Days pass when I forget the mystery.

Problems insoluble and problems offering

their own ignored solutions

jostle for my attention, they crowd its antechamber

along with a host of diversions, my courtiers,

wearing

their colored clothes; cap and bells.

And then

once more the quiet mystery

is present to me, the throng's clamor

recedes: the mystery

that there is anything, anything at all,

let alone cosmos, joy, memory, everything,

rather than void: and that, O Lord,

Creator, Hallowed One, You still,

hour by hour sustain it.

Challenges to compassion

2010-06-11T21:50:00.003+08:00

Whenever I put in more hours at clinic, like this week, I am challenged to remain compassionate in the midst of medical 'problems'. Not every patient -in fact most are not very sick.......and thankfully have acute self limiting illnesses. But the few who are ill can pose a challenge to compassionate care. This is because medicine is never just technological and curative as we deal with frail humans, not machines. People have many emotional and spiritual (although this they may not even be aware of) baggages that go along with the physical ailment.

I saw an elderly woman who had had part of her foot amputated for diabetic gangrene. Her son brought her - and he was loudly scolding her (she is hard of hearing) for not allowing the hospital doctors to amputate the leg further up, as they recommended. In her fear of the loss she refused to sign the consent and only a part of her foot - two toes were amputated. I removed the bandage - and there was the wound looking unhealthy and smelling strongly of dead (necrotic) tissue. I tried to get her to understand why a higher amputation has to be done (explaining in my poor Cantonese the technical stuff about the tissue being dead further down because of poor blood supply and not able to heal etc )......while she on her part begged me (with hands clasped together...) to please do something to save her foot. At last her son scolded her and told her in no uncertain terms that she would die if the leg was not amputated.......I guess I played my role (as expected by the son) to advise her to cooperate with the amputation, as he was going to take her back to hospital. For the woman she may have hoped against hope that I could perform the miracle cure and make the wound heal. At such times perhaps the real healing (as opposed to cure) she needs is caring compassionate presence......rather than family members who are too stressed and worried to be of much help or doctors who need to play a certain medical role.

I don't meet such patients often, but even the occasional encounter leaves a feeling of sadness and helplessness. I could imagine the elderly woman's fear of the anticipated loss - of mobility, of a body part, of who she is......(one of the things she said was...."at my age how could I live with my leg cut off?" ) Much of the time, doctors have to go on as 'normal', yet, when such a stance is taken for many years, we may lose a part of ourselves - that of being human and vulnerable. I was thankful that the clinic was not really busy and I could sit with my feelings for a while. O God, have mercy on all of us, for we need You, even those who don't know that they do. Amen.

Six gestures of the morning praise

2010-06-09T07:31:00.002+08:00

Joyce Rupp suggests this prayer every morning when we arise to begin the day. It helps us join spirit and body in praising God and offering our thanks for life. As you do the gestures say a one line prayer and then remain in that posture for a brief time.

Offering the Creator praise and gratitude: Stretch your arms high and wide above your head. "I thank you O God for the gift of another day of life"

Intentionally being aware of my spiritual bond with all of creation: Hold arms out from your sides, a little below shoulder height. Pivot left and right with your arms stretching outward toward the cosmos. "I reach out in compassion to my sisters and brothers throughout the world."

Offering my life to God: Stretch your arms out straight in front of you, slightly apart, palms up. "I give to You all I am and all I have"

Opening to accept what God offers me this day: Pull your hands close together and cup them as a container. "I open my entire being to receive the gift that You have waiting for me in this new day."

Remembering to be kind to our planet earth: Bend over, reach down, and touch the floor, or better yet, the ground, if you are outside. "I touch this planet, Earth, with awe and gratitude, promising to care well for her today."

Awareness of the indwelling presence of God: Stand up, cross hands over your heart and bow to the waist. "May I be united with You throughout this day, aware of your love strengthening me and shining through me."

Birdwatching

2010-06-06T21:02:00.003+08:00

I caught up with a couple of friends at the Lembah Kiara park yesterday morning. It was an event organized by the various nature and environmental groups, including MNS. My friend (Dr Amar Singh )had written a beginner's book on birdwatching ("A friendship with birds" - a guide to the identification and appreciation of common birds in the gardens and cities of Peninsular Malaysia) and he and his wife were at one of the MNS stalls to introduce the book. I browsed through the many nature books on sale and realize that the created order has so much to give and teach us - yet we tend to be unobservant and have a consumerist attitude to everything - it has to be of 'use' to capture our attention.

I have tried to be more aware of common garden birds, and there are many around, but attention seems to be too focused on the task of gardening rather than on the sounds around. But, in flipping through a leaflet on "garden birds of Malaysia" I recognized the rather beautiful "white throated kingfisher" that stole a fish from my tank a few months ago. Since then, I guess i have driven him/her away because of the net over the tank.

I suppose it is easy to say "if only....I lived in a most natural place, rather than a built up street,,,,,if only the weather was cooler....." But in actual fact the park is not far away, and I have been walking there from time to time, so nature is present in our midst, whether in greater or smaller measure.

In fact, as we left a nearby shop in Taman Tun where we had lunch my friend pointed out a "Brahminy kite" (a kind of eagle with a white head and neck and chestnut brown wings and body) over the sky, low enough to be visible. This bird is much more common near the coast....but imagine we saw one flying over Taman Tun - which is quite a distance from the nearest coastal town!

Gift of gratitude

2010-06-03T21:46:00.005+08:00

Since last weekend, I have been graced with unexpected feelings of gratitude. Not all that commonplace for me because I usually see a glass as 'half empty' rather than 'half full'. I am more and more sure that these feelings are a grace, a gift, at least for the 'half empty' types like me. I had the fun of finding my way to the heart of KL with a friend to go to Borders - at Berjaya Times Square. At least now I know how to drive there - my friend was also unfamiliar with that part of the city so it was somewhat of an adventure...but I did some homework and read the Google maps first of course. Then a couple of days ago we went to Mid Valley, which I have not visited for over a year, I think. It was fun just to look at all the changes, and appreciate the creative displays and decorations, with no pressure at all to 'shop till you drop'. Maybe just enjoying such simple pleasures with a sense of wonder (a very different spirit from self indulgence) opens us up to God's gift of gratitude. It becomes a heartfelt simple joy, rather than any contrived and heavy duty to thank Him.

There are really too few places of wonder in our lives these days, more so living in the city in small houses and not much of the natural world to observe. But then we are invited to make do with what we have and as I found out, even trips to malls can be wonder filled if undertaken with a childlike spirit. But moving on from these experiences, I am asking the Lord to help me find gratitude even in the more mundane days - when it is mostly routine house chores, errands and maybe a clinic slot.....

Sometimes the two dogs are a help....just having them follow me around at home is actually quite amazing and gratifying. They usually find their place to settle down when I begin my desk work - Sabbath under my chair and Joy a short distance away. (I think there's some 'pack order' at work - because Joy never tries to get under the chair first) How faithful these furry creatures of God are; and how beautifully they remind me of the One who by far is ever faithful, ever constant in His presence and action.

Pipe 'bypass surgery'

2010-05-31T16:34:00.005+08:00

Well, yet another mundane Monday. After a session with someone in the morning, I remained housebound in order to wait for the plumber. Through the afternoon they have been at work. The kitchen sink outflow is really blocked. No amount of declogging solution (I used one whole bottle - trying again and again, hoping to declog the pipe) or pumping helped. The whole of last week while waiting for the plumber to be free I've had to limit cooking, limit washing up and use little water at the kitchen sink. Now I know what it feels like to use water sparingly rather than leave taps running at full flow - it can be done, creatively and probably helps save water too. I should probably continue to practice saving water by washing up dishes, pots and pans all together rather than have a running tap to wash one or two items at a time (that being a bit obsessive I tend to do!).

The plumber has to divert the outflow via a new pipe leading to the drain outside. Indeed, something like bypass surgery for clogged coronary arteries. They have been at work for several hours, giving me time to sit and wait and ponder. And it seems a good discipline to keep me home rather than go out on errands I don't need to do right away, anyway. I await the clearing up of the mess........later.......

In my time of being around, just waiting, I searched through some books and found that I have Nouwen's book titled "Our greatest gift (Meditation on dying and caring)", written in 1994, two years before his own death I don't think I have read this seriously and it seems a good time now, as it expands on dying as a gift as he shared in the fourth movement of "Life of the beloved".

Sometimes, 'bypass surgery' or other medical interventions help and gives us more time to be given in life. Sometimes, there is nothing more medical science can offer and then it is time to be given in death.

For now, I am grateful that the pipe surgery is progressing well and I can expect a good result........

Life of the Beloved (4)

2010-05-30T21:05:00.004+08:00

I've been mulling over. slowly absorbing this last movement in the life of the beloved: "being given". "All we live finds its final significance in its being lived for others: becoming bread for the world." We are called to give ourselves in life and in death.

In life, our real gift is not so much what we can do but who we are. This turns the tables counterculturally. As is true of our society in general, we are more amazed by doings than by beings. We tend to miss the quiet person, who does not have many obvious talents but who is faithfully there at every meeting. Or the student who is not the top scorer but who has less obvious gifts. Living with people with handicaps helped Nouwen understand what true giving involves. "Who can we be for each other?" We may have only a few talents, but we have many gifts. We need others to help us share these ways in which we express our humanity. Often people focus on our talents and when we can no longer 'do' much, we are soon forgotten and set aside. True gifts often remain buried beneath our talents - they are part of who we are - friendship, kindness, patience, joy, peace, forgiveness, gentleness, love, hope, trust and so on.....

Our final brokenness, death, is to become the means to our final gift of self. "For beloved sons and daughters of God, dying is the gateway to the complete experience of being the beloved." To die a good death is to let go of life in freedom so that we can be given to others as a source of hope. The death of the beloved bears fruit in many lives - every little movement of love we make will ripple out into ever new and wider circles. Indeed that was the life of Henri Nouwen - his words that came out of his many joys and sorrows have brought hope and light in the lives of so many who have never even met him in person.

Last week I managed to start on my little Word document file titled "Funeral preparations" and informed my sons to look for it after I pass into the everlasting arms......Maybe it is my need to be prepared for things - also stirred up by these reminders of the life of belovedness that even death is a gift, if life is lived faithfully in becoming the beloved.

A stage of life

2010-05-26T11:50:00.004+08:00

I am at the stage of life when something predictable happens when I meet friends I haven't seen for some time.....the conversation zooms in to our children. The usual conversation goes like this "So what are your children doing now?" And each person relates the wheres and hows of the children....how some are still pursuing tertiary education, some may have finished and are working.....and maybe a few are about to get married. (Yes, I am at the age where not many friends have married children and have become grandparents...) Less often do people really talk about themselves....what they are doing now that the children are grown, how they are spending their time.......as if our lives continually revolve around the life cycle of our children, as we did in the early years. I sometimes find it hard to answer questions about my children because I find they are changing all the time and it gets harder and harder to define them as this or that and my main concern at this stage is to 'let them go'. Easy to do when they seem to choose the path in life that I want them to choose but not so easy when they listen to the beat of a different drum.

Maybe I am unconventional in this, and maybe this is a more Western thing - but in letting them go, my desire would be to speak with others who are doing likewise. Maybe it would be helpful to share our motherly struggles with letting them go, and entrusting them to God. This is still a great struggle for me. i remember almost three years ago at a retreat the retreat director told me that I need to let my children go. Now, it is three years on.......and I am still allowing the Lord to form me in this.

So perhaps this is the very place where I am invited to encounter God....in the (graced) letting go.....of different aspects of life.

Life of the Beloved (3)

2010-05-24T09:43:00.003+08:00

The third movement in becoming the beloved is something we don't talk much about in our communities of faith: brokenness. We prefer people who are doing well (How are you? if met with really honest answers would leave the questioner at a loss what to say) Generally we do not know how to hold each others brokenness up to God, as part of the mystery of the human being who is still 'becoming'. We may prefer to get people 'fixed' by sending them to see a counsellor or psychologist, or to some healing ministry sessions.

Yet, Nouwen says that our brokenness is lived and experienced as highly personal, intimate and unique. Here he speaks in particular of inner brokenness - a brokenness of heart, the places where we are most needy and vulnerable. (Of course the outer brokenness of life's disorders does get to us too......I am right now waiting for the plumber to come and see if he can unblock an outlet pipe in my kitchen......if not, there may be rather major repairs by removing tiles to get to the pipe underground! Sounds a bit like wondering if angioplasty will help or will it require open heart surgery)

How do we respond to this brokenness? ...the inner type :-)

Nouwen says we should take courage from the Lord and face it squarely, befriend it, embrace it. Facing it, living through it is the way to healing. And i would add that just sitting and being held in God's love allows the 'stuff' to come out and we let that 'stuff' encounter Him, rather than try to work through it ourselves - which could lead to introspection.

Secondly, we are to put our brokenness under the blessing. Allow the blessing to touch us in our brokenness. I think we are often defined or we define ourselves by how our lives seem to unfold (are we successful Christians, do we have wonderful families, are our ministries enlarging and so on). Yet the story of our lives always remains unfinished even when we die, and it is the nature of the mercy of God to deal with what is unfinished - while the evil one would like us to think of ourselves as failures for not living up to certain ideals.

"The great spiritual call of the beloved children of God is to pull their brokenness away from the shadow of the curse and put it under the light of the blessing."

O how freeing to know in the depths of our soul, in the very fibers of our being, that the first and last word of God to us is grace (unlike what we are often made to believe, it is not 'sin' - in this I now differ from those who are strict Calvinists with the TULIP acronym!). Sin comes because we creaturely humans through the ages have been unable to respond freely to grace. We often see only the sin because it has clouded the deepest ground of our being - our original blessing.

Life of the Beloved (2)

2010-05-19T16:21:00.002+08:00

According to Nouwen, the second movement in becoming the beloved is that of hearing and claiming the "Blessing". To give a blessing is to affirm, to say, "Yes" to a person's belovedness. A blessing touches the original goodness of the other; and calls forth his or her belovedness. God blesses those he has "Chosen" (the first movement). God's blessing rests on us from all eternity and it is the deepest affirmation of our true self. It is not a blessing for something we do but for who we are in God's eyes. I suppose I understand this in the way a parent sees their child - as loved, and deeply accepted (this is different from approval), irrespective of what the child does or does not do.

The spiritual disciplines that help us practice this movement are : firstly, prayer - to become silent and listen to the Voice that dwells deep within. This is not an easy task because the movement of God's Spirit is very gentle, often hidden, yet also persistent and deep. The voices of the world that says we are not good enough, are not blessed because we have not succeeded in certain ways, are often loud, seeking attention. The second way is the cultivation of 'presence' - being attentive to the blessings that come our way. In a world where big and best and powerful rule, we need to be disciplined to receive and give thanks for the simple yet meaningful gifts of God. As Nouwen shared, living with people with disabilities helped him grow more aware of the gifts that are always there, though hidden from those of us who demand the spectacular from God.

When we bless others, are we able to speak of the core of who they are, rather than their abilities? Nouwen prayed for one of the helpers at L'arche ".....it is so good that you are here. You are God's beloved...Your presence is a gift and joy for us. When things are hard and life is burdensome, always remember that you are loved with an everlasting love". I would really long to receive such a prayer - one that celebrates my being - ness, rather than the utilitarian way of blessing me for my 'ministry', (my good works etc). Perhaps this prayer comes more and more naturally when we ourselves are learning to live the life of the beloved.

The gift of ageing

2010-05-19T15:57:00.004+08:00

I was assisting at the hospital pastoral care yesterday morning. I realize that I was most touched by the elderly I visited. And I noticed that in several wards, the elderly make up almost half the number of patients. A couple of people were well into their eighties, frail, yet clear in mind. From such persons, I was greatly encouraged by their willingness to be 'visited' - they seem to welcome a listening ear. It was also humbling to see how they have accepted their limitations (for example, no longer being mobile and having to be at home most of the time, whilst previously, as one man said, he could walk to church from his house). Yet, despite their frailty, they wished to be back home as soon as their condition allows.

There were also a couple of people who were rather ill and unable to respond to visitors. It is a challenge to just be there, in silent presence, perhaps touching their hand, and trust that God would make use of that simple act of compassion. Deep down, there is a feeling of helplessness and desire to see them well. But there is also the invitation, rather, to learn that life is fragile and limited. And there is a time to be on the receiving end of care - in a way that blesses the givers.

The elderly seem to be increasing in our population, as healthcare improves. Maybe this is a group that churches can be more focused on, to develop a spirituality of ageing; to inform others of the needs and the graces of ageing well in spirit, while the body grows more and more frail. And moreover, to prepare people for the last journey 'Home'.

Life of the beloved (1)

2010-05-16T21:35:00.002+08:00

Just finished rereading Nouwen' s"Life of the Beloved". And in order to remind myself how to live in that posture of belovedness (more and more often), i summarized his thoughts in my journal.

Being the beloved is the origin and the fulfillment of the life of the spirit. It expresses the core truth of our existence; it is our deepest truth. The temptation for us is that of self-rejection. Even pride is a form of self-rejection, where we use self-inflation to mask our feelings of self rejection, unable to accept our real selves (with all our weaknesses and limitations) as loved by God.

Becoming the beloved is the great spiritual journey we have to make. Becoming the beloved means letting the truth of our belovedness become enfleshed in everything we think, say or do. This is a long and painful process of appropriation....that is, if we desire to become the beloved in the commonplaces of our daily existence. How do we live life as an increasing "Yes" to the truth of that belovedness?

Nouwen suggest that we grow attentive to the movements of the Spirit of love as it manifests in our daily struggles. The Spirit comes to us in the process of our being "taken, blessed, broken and given". We need to develop spiritual disciplines to identify these movements and respond to them....

Being taken (chosen)

"God's eyes of love have seen you as precious, unique, as of infinite beauty, as of eternal value." His is a compassionate choice, not one of comparing and competitiveness. He chooses each one, as special, not based on any merit of ours, but out of his gracious choice to love. To reclaim this truth we have to : keep unmasking the world about us for what it is, the world that compares and competes such that it is each one fighting for special recognition. We need to keep looking for people and places where the truth of our belovedness is spoken, where we are reminded of our deepest identity (now, this is easier said than done - in a world that identifies people based on performance, and even religious culture does this!) Another discipline is to celebrate our chosenness, responding to gratitude for all God's gifts, rather than growing bitter in enumerating our lacks and losses.

Three related spiritual disciplines - that I set before myself and hope to practice more and more often. I usually get trapped in the third area, where gratitude eludes me just because things are not as perfect as I think they should be.......may the Lord grant me freedom in this.

Preparing for going home

2010-05-13T16:49:00.003+08:00

It's been a week since a friend told me she has planned who she would like to speak at her wake and funeral services, and has informed them and also informed her family of some other details. May sound a little morbid at first thought, but then the practicality is great. After all we are all on this long, sometimes not too long, journey "Home", to the address where we came from and to which we return. In fact, into the welcoming embrace of a loving God.

I have kept these thoughts at the back of my mind all week and realize that I should be practical enough to make known, for the sake of my family members, certain things that I would wish done. In fact, last Sunday during service, i was flipping through the Methodist hymnal to identify appropriate hymns....

Yet, I have not got down to it; somehow there's a bit of 'denial' at work. This is not really helpful, for I find myself in a kind of solemn mood this week. Perhaps it's coupled with the fact that with menopause coming on, I now feel I am truly in my fifties......it seems to be a marker (undeniable, and very objective, this time) of reaching that 'age' where the human machinery starts to show signs of wear and tear. It is also the age where one realizes that there are things that one will probably never get to do, places one will never visit (except on TV!) ........At one time, I would have rushed to try to do some of these things - but now I am trying to accept my mortal and limited self with more gentleness. Why the rush? Why the need to grab the 'opportunities' of life, when God's presence and action can be found in everything? Sometimes, the 'drive' (a compulsion) to be faithful with our 'talents' leads to much seemingly successful activity but not many of the true 'offerings' that the Lord looks for- the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness and so on......

Hospital visit

2010-05-11T15:02:00.004+08:00

Each time I go in to help in pastoral care at the hospital, I leave with several 'gifts'. Today was no different. First of all, I was truly encouraged by a woman who cares for both of her elderly parents (well into their eighties and having chronic illnesses and dementia) As the main caregiver - other siblings living overseas, it is a strain physically and emotionally, especially as she moved into this role immediately after retirement. As a second half of life new 'career', it must be difficult at times, to be so tied down to home, never going very far away and even taking on night shifts at her parents' bedsides. The gift was her cheerfulness and lack of self pity at such a 'burden' placed upon her. She sees her parents' good days as blessings, finds joy in their moments of childlikeness and this makes the more trying times a little easier.

Another woman, this time a patient shared a life transforming moment. When she was first diagnosed with a rare blood condition, she could not accept it and was totally miserable. However, one day, after much patient encouragement from medical staff, from family and friends, she came to realize that - all their caring would come to naught if she did not also learn to care for herself. That was a turning point and from then on began to appropriate self care in order to cooperate with the healing process.

One of my encounters left me with a different gift - that of further reflection, as in that conversation, I had to review my theological assumptions. This person spoke of the two realms 'natural' and 'supernatural' , about having faith and how God works above and beyond what medical science can do. He was praying for divine healing for a couple of rather serious medical conditions, although it seemed he would accept (non invasive) medical treatments. I found myself wondering how far I could resonate with him in my own more realistic outlook on such medical conditions. However, I prayed for him, in asking God for what he desired. I realize that listening with this person, some parallel process was happening - it brought me back to memories of my own grappling with illness and God's healing. How does one hold in tension the faith that God can heal - and the reality that He may not heal in every instance? Does one give up praying for healing, or does one continue to 'storm the heavens'? What is the posture one assumes? How does all this tie in with grateful and willing acceptance of all that God permits in our lives? These days, even the questions are gifts for they draw me towards our God of mystery, power and love.

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T13:56:00.002+08:00

Your children are not your children

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts

for they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls

for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you

for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite

and he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.

for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also

the bow that is stable.

(Kahlil Gibran)

Mothers are mothers because of our children......and they never leave our hearts, however far they travel, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

"Motherhood is a hard thing. As time passes, our babies are born and leave the safety of our wombs; they crawl and walk and then run away from us. In fact, a good mother is working toward the day when her son or daughter will healthily and happily live completely independent of her. The joy of being a mother is so very closely linked with the sorrow of being a mother. It is holy ground."

(Stasi Eldredge)

You raise me up

2010-05-07T12:05:00.000+08:00

I admit I have been spending quite a bit of time searching through You Tube ........and came across this song. I had heard it before but could not locate the title or singer. It seems like a gospel song and the words tell the story of the reality of the consolations and desolations experienced through an ongoing relationship with the Lord. Perhaps some of us might like to include it in our 'wish list' for people to sing at our funeral!! Sounds morbid but not really for Christians, as death is merely a graced entrance into a 'new life'. I have been thinking more realistically about life and death, of late. As i mentioned to a friend, the obituary page is the one I turn to without fail when I first open the newspapers. Not so twenty or thirty years ago - but a regular habit these days. Quite telling, for at the age of over-fifty, there are far fewer years ahead as there were behind.

I am consoled by the reminder that indeed Lord, "You raise me up". Everything is grace, everything comes from you as gift.....a prayer of gratitude that every day and every moment You create anew and raise up everything, every heart that's offered to you.

Feelings as 'guests'

2010-05-06T21:40:00.003+08:00

I notice have been in a 'feeling' mode these couple of weeks.....it would be tiring except that I am learning to name and accept the feelings without trying to repress or suppress those that seem not so pleasant. Even the tears that come up as a result of watching movies are a welcome thing, as they draw me deeper into self knowledge and thereby into openness to God's ways of getting my attention. Came across this excellent poem by Rumi, a Sufi mystic (13th century)

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thoughts, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Today I was given the gift of laughter (though not the Pentecostal 'holy laughter') as I listened to a friend's family anecdotes. For that i am grateful to the Lord's simple provision, as last night I was sharing with someone that being a serious person, I ought to do more 'fun' things.

Hachiko: A Dog's Story

2010-05-03T16:42:00.001+08:00

I think I've finally found out how to post a You Tube video on this blog post.....hope this works! I found this particular video one of the best on the Hachiko movie. I've continued to mull over my feeling responses that were evoked by the movie, trying to understand what they are saying to me, how God uses my reactions to show me something about myself, and in this case about my relationship with Him. The background music for this clip is the song "I'll be right here waiting for you", an oldie that was hit in my younger days! Somehow it seemed so appropriate to the theme of the movie. As I brought my feelings to prayer, I recognized two levels of metaphor. First I saw Hachi's love and loyalty as a reflection (as in a mirror dimly) of God's love - a love I have experienced, yet long to experience in greater measure (Eph. 3: 14 - 20), a love that is unconditional, best seen in the love of the waiting Father in the parable of the Prodigal Son. This core love that reminds us what "Being the Beloved" means.

Secondly, the metaphor turned the other way round. I was reminded that as a recipient of God's love, as Hachi was of his master's love (as he got to know and love his master through lived experience) I would also in my lived relationship with God, be able to always wait upon God patiently, trustfully, even through passages of the dark night.....when He seems hidden, absent.....

In a way God speaks first and says, "I'll be right here waiting for you". (He shows me what it means to "Be the Beloved")

And in time, I am invited to respond likewise "I'll be right here waiting for you" (In my journey home, I learn to "Become the Beloved")

I believe this story will speak more to me in the coming days.....as I allow time for all these insights to reach down to the level of the heart....

God - speech

2010-05-01T12:05:00.005+08:00

At a spiritual direction group session the other day, a few of us resonated with how our Lord 'speaks' through many channels - and how tuning in to different 'divine broadcast stations' we can hear God-speech. I am aware of how movies help me appreciate many things about the spiritual life as it meaningfully intersects with the narrative of my own life. Another way I have been very blessed is when the beauty of nature 'speaks'.....

I saw a beautiful 'rainbow cloud' a couple of weeks ago when at Frasers......The colors were bright and brilliant as it came forth from a darker mass of clouds. This did not speak as if in answer to any particular thing - except to affirm that God gifts us with so many things, every moment, if we have eyes of faith to see. Even simple and ordinary moments are precious and awesome, even my weaknesses and limitations are part of the journey of being human (and beloved) and becoming (beloved) - more and more fully human and alive.

"When we are silent within, seeking the grace of attentiveness and receptivity, anything can become a channel of God-speech"

Hachiko - a story of love and devotion

2010-04-30T22:59:00.001+08:00

This week has been hard work for my tear ducts! But am very grateful for some wonderful ways the Lord can speak through different media. This time through film. I was told about a movie "Hachiko" by a dog lover friend who lent me a DVD. This is an American adaptation of a true Japanese tale about a loyal dog named Hachiko. This dog would accompany his master to see him off at the train station every morning and go back each afternoon to greet him on his return from work. One day, his master dies suddenly at work and never returns.........Hachiko returns to the same spot at the station every day for the next nine years to wait for his master. During his daily visits, Hachiko touches the lives of many who commute through the town square. He teaches the townspeople love, and undying devotion. Today a bronze statue of Hachiko sits at his waiting spot outside the Shibuya station in Japan as a permanent reminder of his love and devotion.

My first response was one of deep longing - as I saw the Hachi's faithful love as a 'visual metaphor' for the love God offers to each of us....He waits for us with patience and long suffering love - even when we stray far from home, from our true selves. I know I need to experience this love again and again - and live with the deep assurance that He "sees you beautiful in your weaknesses and limitations" (This phrase was spoken to me by my spiritual mentor a few days ago as I struggled with 'being the beloved').

Yesterday, though, I began to see the other side of the metaphor. We are invited to 'become the beloved'. I see Hachi showing us how we are to wait for our Master (God) - with loving devotion - to wait, even when He seems absent. For God, apart from being a present God is also hidden in some way - He is Mystery. We are able to return such love when we have experienced our Master's love and we have grown in intimacy with Him, as Hachi bonded with his Master over the years......

I felt much ministered to as I watched the movie and then brought the feelings and thoughts into dialogue with God. I am grateful - having two dogs and observing their unique ways of being devoted will continue to speak to me of the journey of the beloved..

(There are several short video clips of this movie on YouTube)

Living with dysfunctionalities

2010-04-28T21:45:00.003+08:00

A week of dealing with many thoughts and feelings that need to be integrated into my life. I am a little more clear today, after speaking with a spiritual director and a friend. It seems that when I neglect the 'one thing necessary' for even a short period, I lose the sense of God's unconditional love that holds me and grounds me. Simple fact of the spiritual life - and yet we tend to easily go without the spiritual exercises for learning to 'be the beloved' whenever other things call for attention. So did Martha, in her well meaning service.

I also understand better how it is that we can live with greater freedom in the midst of the many dysfunctional persons (includes ourselves) in our lives. These are real issues - and yet there is nothing we can do to change others if they do not seek to be changed (and we have all been there). The most life giving thing is not to 'deny' the imperfections in these relationships, but to be aware and name them. Then comes the spiritual task of accepting the 'unfinishedness' of all human life/relationships on this earth. This does not mean we become passive and apathetic or even victimized - but we do what we can to change things (of course ourselves first) with lightness of spirit, with the sense that God sees every person so much more truthfully and lovingly than we could.....this means respecting others for the 'mystery' that they are, that only God sees with full clarity.

I suppose this is another way of concretizing what it means to 'let go' to God the unfinished in all our lives. We are conditioned by this world and even by Christian culture to 'solve things', to 'fix problems'....and sometimes we are called to do something - but many times it is living the tension and 'doing' in a way that is also 'not doing'. Paradoxes, incompleteness.......are part of human life, although we would rather not admit it.

I saw this rainbow early one morning in Port Dickson, on a one day break there a month ago, with a friend. A gift - for I just happened to go to the window and draw the curtains after waking up. It was timely, for in five minutes the rainbow faded away. The God of faithfulness is also an elusive God - who solves and yet leaves open ends for another time....another place.

Jesus our 'bread of life'

2010-04-21T09:29:00.002+08:00

John 6 : 22 - 35

It is still the season of "Easter" in the liturgical calendar. How wise.....for we could never fully appreciate the significance of the Resurrection in just that one day, Easter Sunday. The readings come from the gospel that is rather 'mystical', where John shares his experience of Jesus in ways that open doors rather than provide simplistic answers.

The 'bread of life' is one such description John records. An everyday image that all can understand. An image from the physical world, our bodily needs, that is the experience of all. But perhaps every time we meditate on these words, we hear something new. As we have moved and changed, we are open in new ways to what God offers.

For me, the 'bread of life' initially meant being 'saved', Jesus being the means of salvation (or life). The meaning has deepened over the years and i ponder now how Jesus comes to us in the 'bread' we take in the Holy Communion. Does the 'sacrament' (or ordinance as some traditions call it) minister a deep spiritual presence of the Lord (though some traditions would even say 'real presence') or is it merely a memorial? I appreciate my church's practice of having an altar rail where we come forward for the Holy Communion. It is so meaningful and humbling to kneel to receive Jesus' 'body and blood' (the words used in the liturgy). I now understand more and more how Jesus as the 'bread of life' is the only one who can truly satisfy every hunger in our hearts, being the source and goal of all our spiritual seeking.

Lord, sustain us everyday, even though we sometimes pick up only the dry crumbs rather than the fresh bread you offer.

God's loving touches

2010-04-14T23:14:00.004+08:00

John 3 : 1 - 21

This is the second week of Easter and from Monday I have been following the readings from John 3 - about being born anew, about the d Spirit blowing where it will and about the immensity of God's love. Very familiar passages but read through in this Easter season, they hold new meaning.

The risen Lord is speaking through these passages and we hear him in a way different from the people who met him in human form. We read in the light of his passion and resurrection and understand even more deeply the significance of the metaphors like the bronze snake, the blowing of the Spirit and the new birth.

I found myself otherwise a bit 'scattered' this week, after the family 'reunion' last weekend; realizing that I have not made enough time and effort to seek out some of my relatives. We all tend to be so 'busy' with many things......that it takes a specific 'event' to come together. The feeling of lacking focus also comes from the strain from the last two weeks of extra working hours. Thankfully this is a week of 'rest' and 'review' of the recent experiences. Also a desire to continue to watch for the risen One in our midst. As I shared with a small group earlier tonight, the Spirit's touches in the world today seem so 'light', easily missed, compared to the 'heavy' pull towards its absence.

Farewell....for now

2010-04-11T20:39:00.003+08:00

This weekend was a 'free' one in my appointment book...and I was looking forward to it after a very tiring week with many clinic slots. However, on Friday morning I was informed that my aunt who has been in hospital for over two months, passed on, early that morning.

The wake was held yesterday, the funeral service today. Relatives came from as far as Malacca and Singapore. These are times when the family gathers and I had not seen some of my cousins and an uncle for several years! It was a time of catching up with them, finding out our whereabouts and so on, and some of our children meeting up.

There was a sense of loss, yet not gloom in the atmosphere. My aunt was a Christian as were her daughters and their spouses. Permeating through the sense of loss was also a 'living hope'. My dear uncle, eighty one years old, might have a harder time through his grief, as he has yet to trust in the Lord. Their little grandson of five years would also have his own way of dealing with the loss of his beloved 'por por'.

So it has been an 'emotional' weekend in some ways - of gladness to meet up, of bidding a sad farewell to a relative, even if we have not been very close over the years. Also gladness that a number of relatives who would not be in a church otherwise, did attend and heard the Christian message about death. The pastor's message to my relief was not overtly evangelistic - and yet he brought home the beliefs we hold - "death is not the end but a beginning, death is not a loss but a gain, death is not defeat but victory". Yes, we shall meet again, in His time.

Opening our minds

2010-04-08T18:34:00.003+08:00

Luke 24 : 35 - 48

Why are you troubled, and why do questionings rise in your hearts?

There are many things that trouble us. I was recently informed that the insurance company that underwrites my hospital plan will stop providing cover this year - not only to me, but to all who signed up for this particular plan. I was also told that for anyone above 50 years, it would be very expensive to buy medical insurance, from any company, especially with any past illness.

This thought did trouble me for a few days. There is no real 'answer' to these situations because of the way health care has developed. But I also remembered that I have treated many who do not even have access to 'normal' healthcare let alone hospitalization plans! They are people who accept their life as it comes, and who would sometimes just ask for the medication they can afford for that month, sometimes not taking one of the prescribed medications.

Many things trouble us. Questions arise in our hearts about certain situations. The Lord's reality does not erase all difficult questions for us.

The 'facts' of our faith sometimes seem blur in the light of the many concerns of our lives. But the risen Lord may well grant us real experiences of his presence with us. I tell myself that I should keep desiring and seeking his gift of consolation.

On the Emmaus road....

2010-04-07T21:51:00.006+08:00

Luke 24: 13 - 35

Again another resurrection story that takes up the theme of the disciples' difficulty in recognizing the Risen Lord. "They had hoped...." may be the key. They 'hoped' for certain outcomes in Jesus' ministry, for certain ways that they expected God to come through. But He 'shattered their dreams' and they are confused, wrapped up in their losses. "Where is God?"

St Augustine has this to say about the dimness of their perception "They were so disturbed when they saw him hanging on the cross that they forgot his teaching, did not look for his resurrection, and failed to keep his promises in mind. Their eyes were obstructed, that they should not recognize him until the breaking of the bread. And thus, in accordance with the state of their minds, which was still ignorant of the truth 'that the Christ would die and rise again', their eyes were similarly hindered. It was not that the truth himself was misleading them, but rather that they were themselves unable to perceive the truth."

How often indeed do we fail to recognize the risen Lord? Yet his graciousness is beyond comprehension as he walks beside us.......gently chiding, faithfully opening up our minds and hearts by his life giving word and presence.

Rolling the stone away....

2010-04-06T22:42:00.004+08:00

John 20 : 11 - 18

"To behold the resurrection, the stone must first be rolled away from our hearts"

(Peter Chrysologus, 5th century)

Mary went to the tomb faithfully and lovingly to honor her Master and Teacher. She found his body missing and immediately thought the worst - that it had been stolen. Her fears, her grief and sorrow prevented her from recognizing him......For the early disciples, the literal stone over the entrance of the tomb had been removed - and yet to lesser or greater measure, each one was 'blocked' in his or her understanding and recognition of the risen Christ.

Today, there may be huge 'stones' at the door of our heart. Not rocks and boulders but spiritual hindrances to our experiencing the resurrection in our lives.

Perhaps as the 'boulders' are removed from our hearts, we might see that the resurrection happens in little ways in our lives. What do we look for? Not big banners up in the skies, or loud voices from above.....but just glimpses of hopefulness, of joy, of love that comes over us, unexpectedly, even in the midst of confusing or troubling circumstances. Perhaps a sense of what brings 'life' to us, in the everyday - a passing remark, a shared moment of truth that underlines Christ's reality.

Well, and perhaps, hearing our name called .....a tiny whisper of reassurance that our Lord lives.

"In my heart I know my Savior lives...

I have heard him calling tenderly my name

Over sin and death he has prevailed

In his glory, in his new life we partake..."

Easter sunrise

2010-04-04T13:07:00.004+08:00

At the Easter service today, we did not get to experience the 'sunrise'.......it was drizzling so they decided that the service be held indoors - in the foyer of the church......

It was 'early in the morning' that the first disciples first experienced the risen Lord. They, especially the women were keeping a vigil after the death of their beloved Jesus. They wanted to be near their Lord, even though he was dead, as far as they knew. Hopes and dreams broken - had they really been left alone after all this time accompanying Jesus?

But it was in the midst of their discouragement that Jesus appeared to them......and it is in the midst of trying times that the risen Jesus calls to us too. The tomb is a dark place - quiet and 'lifeless' and sometimes that is the exact way life seems to be. Yet it is by faithfully remaining there that we may be 'surprised by joy' - when the risen One calls our name...."Beloved........."

The title of today's sermon "Believing and be living" caught my attention - I do believe (though sometimes have to petition the Lord, "Help my unbelief"). The challenge is to 'be living' - to find 'life' in the midst of the trials, the busyness and setbacks. Not once and for all (I wish for that of course) but day by day, sunrise by sunrise, appreciating even the dull days, the sunsets.......for the sun will always rise again. The promise of Easter.

Extravagant love

2010-03-29T20:11:00.001+08:00

John 12 : 1 - 11

Imagine a loved one who is going to die. Imagine how we would want to minister to him or her. Mary knew her Lord, loved him and among the whole group of close knit disciples, she was willing to move beyond denial of his coming death to an acceptance. A creative acceptance - for this led her to show him extravagant love - a farewell gift. She responds to the way he has loved them all, she has appropriated his love for them all, and makes a return in his own way. She anoints him - a 'fragrant' offering, a most comforting gift for one who is going to his death.

Extravagant love works two ways. First comes God's love for us - He first loved us with extravagant love. We are offered a gift we can receive, open and use. On our part, we are inspired to make a return of love, offering even what costs us the most. The world and worldly ones do not understand our choices. How wasteful - not to use your talents to create wealth. How wasteful to give of your time to serve God without any monetary rewards. Today, the same misunderstanding and criticism comes to those who dance to a different tune. Yet, when we do hear that tune, when we experience the drawing towards our Lord, we, like Mary, would not think twice to offer our best to the Lord.

He will surely receive with appreciation whatever is done out of love for Him. Extravagant love - God's and ours.

Palm Sunday

2010-03-28T14:49:00.003+08:00

Isaiah 50 : 4 - 7

...to know the word that sustains the weary...wakens my ear...I set my face like flint...

A wonderful description of the mission and ministry of Jesus. One who has always listened to his Father, waited upon his Father for everything and describes his 'food' as doing the will of his Father. And today, we recall his entry into Jerusalem - to obediently fulfill his mission, the mission given by his Father.

I am drawn by Jesus' lifelong stance of always listening with an 'awakened' ear to his Father. He did nothing of his own accord, neither did he give in to the temptation of his personal agenda (prayerfully rejecting Satan's temptation in the desert). At this stage he 'sets his face like flint' - utterly dedicated to what he is called to do out of love. He shares his Father's love for and desire to redeem the creation.

As we near the end of our Lenten journey, what have we learnt about God, about ourselves? What have been the challenges to grow, to shed whatever does not help our growing intimacy with our loving Father? The next few days, as we journey with Jesus to his final moments, might be graced times to further contemplate Christ, and to ask him to reveal his mind and heart to us, this time in the context of his passion and death. May the Lord help us.

The truth will make you free

2010-03-24T16:48:00.002+08:00

John 8 : 31 - 42

The word "truth" has been used, overused and abused. And very often by 'religious' people. Jesus had a problem with the religious people of his time - they thought they had the 'truth' of God all wrapped up so who was he to teach them? And so often we too think we know the "truth' of God - yet what we have is what we understand by what God has revealed. His revelation is clear yet opaque at the same time - it can be understood by the simple minded and yet even the most learned 'see as in a mirror darkly'. What a paradox. Most humbling though.

In Christ we are shown the fullness of the face of God - yet even then, we cannot fully comprehend the significance of everything he said and did. He taught in parables, he spoke in hyperbole, and he turned the religious group's system upside down - the first shall be last and the last shall be first.

But in contemplating Christ, we can be granted a spiritual intimacy that helps us live our lives in freedom - most significantly, free to love as God loves. The most difficult calling of the gospel. To 'know truths' is easier than to walk in the truth of love. Perhaps that's the difference between knowing the truth with our minds without a corresponding knowing of the heart. Both, not one or the other in exclusion.

As Lent progresses, I am more and more reminded of the great love of Christ who 'loved us to the end' (John 13). Perhaps the truth that transforms as opposed to the truth that leads to prideful rigidity is the truth that Jesus the Beloved of God, calls me the Beloved of God, and in turn I am invited to see others as the Beloved of God. That is a foundational gospel truth that "sets us free". We don't get caught up in all the arguments like Jesus' religious contemporaries - arguments that avoid the main point of the gospel : to love as God loves.

The Beloved Prayer

2010-03-23T22:21:00.004+08:00

A three part guided meditation by Arthur LeClair.

Sit relaxed and at ease. Have confidence that God's love will show itself in some way.

For the first ten minutes without fuss, say the following words slowly and meaningfully.

Jesus, You are the Beloved.

Repeat the words as necessary. Let your heart fill with nonverbal praise and thanksgiving. Let distractions float by, even when they press upon you. After a while the distractions will seem less and less urgent as you let them go. Simply be with Jesus in this precious moment.

Then, gently move on to the next ten minutes. Paul reminds us in Romans 9: 25 that we too are destined to become the Beloved.

Jesus, I am the Beloved.

Let your core being soak up God's favor. At first, this shift might seem jarring. But rest in the depth of prayer and let this truth settle in.

Then, go on to the next ten minutes - a rich and holy connection with others.

Jesus, we (all) are the Beloved.

Let people come into your heart: a neighbor, a friend, a relative, someone you read about in the morning paper. The important thing is not to exclude anyone. Your heart will bring to the surface the ones you need to give attention to.

At the end, simply conclude with a word of thanksgiving, or the Lord's prayer.

God's forgiveness

2010-03-21T22:21:00.003+08:00

John 8 : 1 - 11

Let him who is without sin be the first to throw a stone....

God's mercy embraces us all. All are in need of that mercy, that sees the depths of our sin and yet comes forth to heal and redeem. The crowd must have hung around curiously when they saw the 'sinful' woman brought before Jesus for judgment. They were probably more interested in the sensation and gossip that would come out of this incident, than in the persons involved. The woman was just a 'sinner' - that's all they were taught to see through the eyes of the law.

But Jesus saw differently. He knew the depths of the fallenness of the human heart, yet he also saw the possibility for goodness inherent there. To be seen in this way brings hope, affirms we are loved by God who never withdraws his love, even when we sin. Jesus' answer reminds us to be careful before we throw stones in judgment of others. His response to the woman does not deny her wrong doing, yet also importantly affirms her ability to choose the path of good. She and all of us are "loved sinners", held in the mercy of God. A deep experience of God's merciful love transforms lives - as we see ourselves and others in that light.

Joy's surgery

2010-03-19T22:12:00.001+08:00

Been a rather taxing week! Joy had her neutering operation on Tuesday, after which she decided to play the 'sick role' for the next two days. She behaved as if she could not really walk or stand and wanted food and water to be brought right up to her. And she looked really miserable and helpless.....Of course I was taken in a little at first and played to her tune. After all, 'poor girl she just had abdominal surgery'. But then i noticed that she could walk quite well - when I left her and went off to the kitchen with Sabbath she somehow managed to walk and stopped just outside the door to see what we were up to......Anyway, after i took off the gauze yesterday, she got back to her old self. And in fact today, we have to restrain her a bit worrying that too much movement (she's back to leaping about and teasing Sabbath) will affect the wound healing. Such are some dogs - very 'human' too in knowing when to get extra attention. I must say I felt a little sorry for myself too, as I caught the flu on Tuesday and was really not up to many things for the next couple of days, what more with a post op 'patient' to handle (a pity i couldn't 'play up' too!)

More seriously though, I am trying to spend some time praying with the Beatitudes during this Lent. Blessed are the 'poor in spirit....those who mourn, the meek, the peacemakers.....those who are persecuted for the truth....' certainly blessings that are paradoxical in the eyes of the world. I wonder what it truly means to be 'poor in spirit' and so on.....in our lives, in the reality of our situations. Up to now, I realize that blessedness for one thing is not so much about receiving tangible evidences of God's power- but of receiving spiritual blessings in the most unlikely places (especially where the tangible does not seem to happen, yet, anyway) and of sharing that spiritual blessing with others.

Signs of the Lord

2010-03-15T16:12:00.003+08:00

John 4 : 43 - 54

Unless you see signs and wonders you will not believe

Does our faith depend on signs and wonders? Sometimes, i must admit, i would like God to be more obvious in his ways. He seems to be 'quiet' these days compared to the theophanies that we are told about in the OT. And even Jesus did seem to answer a number of requests in ways that were spectacular.

Today, we have to deal with the silences of God, more often than not. But what the world does not hear, and deems a 'silence' we may be asked to listen to with ears of faith; what the world does not see with physical eyes, we may be invited to see with eyes of faith.

Today, the 'signs and wonders' of the Lord happen most often in human hearts - when hearts of stone become hearts of flesh, and the power of God's love is manifest through human persons. In our day to day lives - it requires slowing down - to ponder and observe, to 'listen' with the ears of the heart to what goes on in people, in ourselves. It requires the desire to ask God for transforming 'graces', those gifts that enable us to bear the fruit of the Spirit. And to receive with wonder and amazement the 'signs and wonders' he does in our hearts, no less a miracle than those we read about in Scripture.

This Lent, I find myself asking for many transforming graces. Some of these concern areas of 'unredeemed - ness' that have remained through the years. The one thing I am sure of is that the Lord works, step by step, as I am ready to receive. Praise the Lord O my soul!

The 'extravagant' love of our Father

2010-03-14T21:34:00.001+08:00

Luke 15 : 1 - 3, 11 - 32
There are three main characters in this parable of Jesus. I have met the two sons in myself. The 'lost' younger son when I drifted far from the Lord in my early twenties. As I look back now, the Father must have looked upon my 'leaving home' with much sorrow. How ungrateful i was to receive his gifts and use them without regard for him. Yet even then, he was looking out for my return, never for a moment giving up on me. Such is his love. The older son part comes out when I fall into the trap of judging others who, according to my standards do not deserve the welcome our Father extends to one and all. In this, I forget my own past, and i forget that "all have sinned and fall short". i forget that our Father is so generous and extravagant with love and forgiveness that it seems unrealistic (humanly speaking) .

Whatever the case, both 'sons' have to learn about and experience their father's love, in order to be freed to live as true 'sons'. I am still learning what it means to love as our Father does, to be "compassionate as your heavenly Father is cmpassionate", as Jesus said. What a lifelong lesson - a goal that I cannot reach without His help and grace every step along the way. Somehow, dealing with my own children has taught me in a concrete manner. Parental love is costly - one cannot control one's children. Love needs to 'bear' many things, yet remain gentle and kind. Love needs to step aside and grant them the freedom to make mistakes, however painful - yet be willing to receive the returning child. Love always hopes - in the other's ability to choose the good, even though the tendency to choose poorly remains. Love perseveres for the other. Our Father's heart is extravagant in love. I am slowly learning by grace, how to be loved by Him in order to love like Him.

Love the Lord....

2010-03-13T23:16:00.003+08:00

Mark 12 : 28 - 34

"We love you, O our God; and we desire to love you more and more. Grant to us that we may love you as much as we desire, and as much as we ought. O dearest friend, who has so loved and saved us, the thought of whom is so sweet and always growing sweeter, come with Christ and dwell in our hearts; that you keep a watch over our lips, our steps, our deeds, and we shall not need to be anxious either for our souls or our bodies. Give us love, sweetest of all gifts, which knows no enemy. Give us in our hearts pure love, born of your love to us, that we may love others as you love us. O most loving Father of Jesus Christ, from whom flows all love, let our hearts, frozen in sin, cold to you and cold to others, be warmed by this divine fire. So help and bless us in your Son."

(Prayer of Anselm, 12th Century)

Grace of seniors

2010-03-11T23:13:00.006+08:00

A long delayed visit to my aunt in hospital. She has been there for over a month and I had seen her once before. Her condition has deteriorated - and she is most of the time in confusion. Able to recognize people, but then other connections are fragile and lost. It was not comfortable for me, as I was early and my uncle had not arrived, as he usually does with lunch for her. I tried coaxing her to have breakfast but in her confusion, she vehemently refused. In the end, i decided the best thing would be to sit down and read the newspapers, just being there, rather than provoking more confusion by trying to sort out her tangential statements. This actually helped because she didn't feel so defensive about people 'forcing' her to eat...

After a while - grace led me, I am sure - I spotted a jar of cream on her bedside table. I reached for it and asked if I could apply it on her hands and arms. To my surprise and relief, she accepted with no resistance at all and I spent some time applying the cream. Perhaps the power of touch speaks more, much more than verbal persuasions.

Soon my uncle arrived with lunch. It was heart warming to see the trouble he had taken to get some nutritious porridge and beverage for her, all ready in flasks. He poured out some porridge but was so disappointed when she refused. I could feel his concern and frustration - I was witnessing the daily routine that's been going on for a while now. He is in his early eighties - and spends many hours at the hospital these days. He knows that with metastatic cancer, she does not have very long.

I find that by observing those in their senior years - I learn many life lessons. Someone in her seventies shared with me just the other day about her experience that "my life is not my own now" (after a series of illnesses, from which she recovered). How true for all of us, each one, at every age. But it is often the seniors who, when graced by God are able to embrace that experience, not just talk about it.

Forgiveness

2010-03-09T10:18:00.004+08:00

Matthew 18 : 21 - 35

The past week has been trying - with the wc acting up repeatedly and having people over to work for two days (meaning I have to clear up after them). Then a faucet gave way and water was spraying out in all directions. I was about to leave for the weekend retreat I was helping at but thankfully, the faucet 'behaved' (divine providence!!) and stopped after a while, as I turned it this way and that. Anyway, the wc is acting up again today and speaking to the plumber - they may have to open the manhole to see if there is a mechanical block. Even my car needed an oil leak to be fixed and had to be at the workshop for two days.

Such are my Lenten experiences - pretty mundane ones of inconveniences and busy -ness. Life is seldom full of 'glorious sufferings for the Lord' - and this is the humbling irony of being human.

Forgiveness - granting mercy to others is a gift we offer to those who don't deserve it. How unfair it sounds but again how unfair for our merciful God to forgive our own iniquities time and again. One 'person' we also need to forgive is ourselves and this can be difficult because we certainly do not want to err on the side of rationalizing our sins. "All have sinned and fall short....." At the same time, Paul reminds us that "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Forgiveness is a process whether of self or others. I have journeyed with people who understandably find it difficult to forgive what has been done to them - when it is an action that changes their lives forever, not a transient word of injury. I know I cannot rush them on. Feelings of anger will surface time and again. Though one thought i have had is that we often get stuck in the 'victim' identity - and being a 'victim' gives one the right to continue feeling the injustice. But it also prolongs the injury. I wonder whether it would help to ask God for the grace to see oneself as more than a 'victim', to see oneself in God's eyes as precious and beloved. The precious and beloved one does not have to continue to feel victimised......and cling on to feelings of being shortchanged.

There is no short cut to forgiveness. To be able to 'want' to forgive is already a sign of God's grace at work in one's life. Maybe the Lenten journey will encourage us to seek more and more of the grace.

Drinking the cup

2010-03-04T23:54:00.004+08:00

Matthew 20 : 17 - 28

...the Son of man came not to be served but to serve....

What kind of cup does the Lord have in mind for us? It is not often physical martyrdom of the kind endured by Christ's followers in the early centuries of Christianity. It may instead be the long routine of a faithful Christian life with all its setbacks and struggles and disappointments. Such a life does not seem heroic at all and one falls into the trap of discouragement and apathy. But if lived well, every 'ordinary' life can become one of humble service and personal sacrifice, of seeking to please God in the small mundane tasks of life, without fanfare.

Only a growing personal relationship of love with our Lord will enable us to follow him.......and drink fully the cups of blessing, of joy, of sorrow that are given to us at different times in our lives.

Lord - may we see you more clearly, love you more dearly and follow you more nearly. Amen.

Images of suffering

2010-03-01T15:59:00.004+08:00

Another earthquake that hits another country, leading to much damage and loss of life. I wonder how to bring this meaningfully into my Lenten journey. It is more comfortable to stay at the spiritual level and not face the realities of true human suffering......because facing such realities would make any even slightly sensitive soul 'wonder' - at the mystery of life and death.

The World Press Photo Contest 2009 top prizes went to photographers who recorded "images of fear and suffering". Graphic portrayals of life in situations where people live in fear and uncertainty every moment. It seems like people are somehow attracted by these images of broken humanity- yet what do they do with them? How does it truly affect them? Does it make any difference to the way they view and live life? The way we understand the mystery of life and death?

"Finding God in all things" sounds so trite when we are confronted with such brutal reality. It seems a nice and manageable spiritual goal when things are pleasant albeit with the occasional hiccup. But what when disaster on a massive scale strikes? As an outsider looking in, one can never propose to the suffering 'where God is' - it would be totally insensitive and cruel.

But maybe somewhere within the rubble, maybe somewhere someone will capture an image that speaks of God's presence and action even in the mess. Only from the depths of painful struggle can someone rise up and declare that "Indeed God is in this place". The Lenten journey prepares us to walk with Jesus even to Jerusalem, and Golgotha and stay at the foot of the Cross, and witness "God is in this place".

The Lord's glory

2010-02-28T11:56:00.004+08:00

Luke 9: 28 - 36

....they saw his glory....

This second Sunday of Lent highlights the 'transfiguration'. Sleepy disciples awakened to Jesus' glory, wanting to stay on by building tents....but the life giving Word to them was "Listen to him". Experiences of God's glory, of his consolations that come in ways we cannot deny and will always remember are not too frequent. We want them to last or at least to be granted more often. The disciples would rather stay on the mountaintop, rather than go down the plain to face with Jesus his coming journey to Jerusalem. If only they really listened to him (rather than filtered through their own expectations), they would have understood that his mission included the Cross before the Resurrection. Yet perhaps in some way this experience brought faint hope of light in their hours of darkness, when they thought their whole endeavor with Jesus was a complete failure.

But maybe these experiences of beholding God's glory are not so rare (2 Cor 3: 18). Perhaps they are there but we fail to see, to hear and to touch. They don't have to carry anything so triumphalistic that some Christian traditions would have us believe - like visions and other sensory manifestations. The very sense of Jesus' presence is evidence of his glory, his risenness; whether the awareness comes in times of ease or difficulty, in quietness or in splendor.

There are many causes for our spiritual lethargy. The renewal called for during Lent may help us discover and work against the blocks to spiritual awareness. How else could we answer the call to journey with the Lord in his passion and resurrection?

Holidays are 'holy days'

2010-02-26T22:20:00.004+08:00

Really appreciated the public holiday today, as I had made a decision to stay home.

I am grateful for the slowing down today, for the week so far had seen me on the go from morn to night. A refreshing day, to attend to things in sl - ow - er motion and regain perspective on some concerns. No particular schedule to follow, a leisurely time for prayer, then back to the computer to put down some ideas for a session I'm involved in next weekend. This preparation has been piecemeal so far, as i have had little time to sit through a whole stretch to organize my thoughts on communal discernment.

Matthew 5: 20 - 26

Today the Lord reminds us of the sin of anger and how destructive it is to self and others. I believe all of us have our vulnerable points when it comes to anger. It might be a discipline this Lent to be aware of and work on the triggers. For me, rushing is one main trigger. Many feelings get stirred up when I find myself over committed - feeling sorry for myself, impatience with others, and such. So when I find myself in a hurry, trying to balance several things at once, and then someone says/does something I don't agree with, or slows me down, I easily fume and fuss, sometimes inwardly and sometimes with veiled sarcasm, yet probably enough to 'kill', for the Lord warns us that anger is in essence (non physical) murder!

Heed the danger signs. Be aware of the weak and vulnerable areas..........and strengthen them through prayer for help and personal discipline, for it is there the Evil One gains a foothold.

Sign of Jonah

2010-02-24T17:30:00.007+08:00

Luke 11: 29 - 32

...no sign shall be given, except the sign of Jonah...

One week of the forty days of Lent has passed. No firm 'resolutions' made. But just continuing to hear and ponder what Jesus says. Today we are told to perceive what the sign of Jonah tells us about our lives. It was easier for the people in Jesus' time to ask for miraculous signs and it still is so today. Who wants prophetic words to be forth-telling; when it would be much more comfortable to ask for for-telling?

The Ninevites recognized God's warning when Jonah spoke to them and they repented. Jonah was God's sign and his message was the message of God for the people of Nineveh. The Queen of Sheba recognized God's wisdom in Solomon.

If only we would hear what we find so difficult to hear.......

This week is less relaxed than I expected. Many errands to do in the daytime and then rushing off to work in the evenings. A few house maintenance problems have cropped up - including a 'moody' wc in which the water sometimes fills up before slowly returning to normal level! Perhaps these mundane hiccups of life are a small part of the Lenten discipline of dying to self - being more open to the daily interruptions of life and even finding gratitude in the midst of the trying events.

First Sunday of Lent

2010-02-21T22:27:00.004+08:00

Luke 4 : 1 - 13

The temptation of Jesus is read every year on the first Sunday of Lent (each year from one of the synoptic gospels).

This time I was struck by the subtlety of the temptations - all three being evil in the guise of a seemingly good purpose. This is one of the most dangerous plots of the Evil One - and one that committed Christians are more likely to be confronted with, than gross evil.

Sometimes, things seem ok - or so we rationalize. Pragmatism is often a trap because we may choose the easier way out to our goal, rather than be willing to walk the harder way, taking up the cross, individually or as a community. A desire for signs and wonders is another trap for those who gradually begin to seek God on their own terms; rather than "God alone" it is "God and....". Coupled with this is the expectation to be fulfilled all the time, as if our faith is a 'feel good' channel we can turn on at will.

How much we need the Lord to help us get a closer look at these traps and how we might have stepped into them or are liable to......

Lord, may you have mercy on us in your unfailing love....

Lead us in the way everlasting.....Amen.

Seventh day of new year

2010-02-20T21:19:00.004+08:00

We enter the seventh day of CNY 'festivities' and the fourth day of the liturgical season of Lent. Even as we try to enter a more solemn season, the marks of CNY - especially jars of cookies and other goodies are a reminder of our excesses. I am sure some people feel the same, at least when we start looking around at our filled shelves and tables. I decided not to indulge and instead baked some cookies to give away, but in return I was given many jars of cookies that I am wondering what to do with. We truly have much too much to eat and not very nutritious food at that. (It is hard to express this without sounding like a spoil sport! I do enjoy the cookies - but ......after a jar or two.....) Such goodies are not even appropriate to give away to those in real need - as they would prefer more basic foods. It is really difficult to live a little more 'simply' when all around us the excesses abound.

The week has passed quickly and thankfully I have managed to get some house chores done, apart from resting after the more hectic first three days of CNY. Monday is back to work, although my schedule is not too heavy next week.

The gospel reading for today (Luke 5: 27 - 32) reminds me that it is good to be aware of our neediness of a savior. And actually, that knowledge is a graced one - for human nature is such that we would rather defend ourselves against such a humbling knowledge. Jesus deals easily with those who know they are 'sinners' - he faces massive resistance from those who hold on to religious piety of the outward type. May we realize that our excesses will not be wiped out so easily - and yet may we look to the Him who gives us strength to persevere. Well, maybe next year we can find some creative and wholesome way to do away with too many cookies and such stuff for CNY!!

Take up your cross

2010-02-19T18:31:00.004+08:00

Luke 9 : 22 - 25

I was really pleased that my church observes Ash Wednesday and we had a service on Wednesday night. It was a traditional service with Scripture readings. prayers and a sermon, interspersed with hymns. The placing of ashes on our foreheads was practiced as well - not to be removed until we reached home!! I guess most people went straight home, though I took a 'risk' and went to the petrol station on the way back (it was night so maybe they didn't see my forehead too clearly!!)

We were reminded that Lent is a time to "return to the Lord" - yet it is never an exercise in our own strength. We should desire to renew our faith, yet any spiritual formation starts with the Lord - in his loving mercy he calls, he forgives and empowers.

How important to get this principle the right way round. The readings during Lent are very challenging and unless we remember that spiritual renewal starts and ends with God, we may either minimize/neutralize the challenge or beat ourselves up for not measuring up.

Taking up our cross - losing our life for the Lord's sake.....challenge our assumptions of what is most profitable and worthwhile in life. Societal values determine how we spend our time and money and unless we intentionally question those values - it would seem there is no way people will say of us "amazing - look at how the Christians live".

"Lord Jesus, I give you my hands to do your work. I give you my feet to go our way. I give you my eyes to see as you do. I give you my tongue to speak your words. I give you my mind that you may think in me. I give you my spirit that you may pray in me. Above all, I give you my heart that you may love in me, your Father, and all mankind. I give you my whole self that you may grow in me, so that it is you, Lord Jesus, who live and work and pray in me." (Prayer from The Grail)

Ash Wednesday

2010-02-17T18:33:00.001+08:00

Matthew 6: 1 - 6, 16 - 18
Joel 2: 12 - 18

"Return to me with all your heart.....rend your heart, not your garments"

There is so much to mull on in these passages. The early church, from about the fourth century onwards had designated Lent, a forty day period before Easter for two main purposes: for Christian believers to renew their baptismal vows, and for those preparing for baptism during Easter to be instructed in the faith. I think these two purposes are still very relevant today- and perhaps some churches have arranged baptism preparation classes during this period. But the second purpose is often not very clearly mapped out for Christians. Of course, our Christian growth should take place all year round - but as often happens this "all the time" becomes "no particular time" and so these forty days may be useful as a "set aside period" for intentional spiritual discipline.

By now, I am familiar with the day's readings - having read these passages for several years - come every Ash Wednesday. But the need is always there to hear the Word anew, where I am, at this time and place.

I hear the Lord calling to his beloved children. Some have strayed far and wide - to distant lands, like the prodigal son. So far that some have lost the understanding of what it means to be their Father's children. Some have stayed home all this while, faithful to their religious duties, yet their hearts have grown somewhat cold through dull routine. I know that being Christian for many years I am more prone to the second, more subtle straying. The early years of serving the Lord did indeed feel very fulfilling and alive- as time goes on, the desire wanes, even if the activities continue. "Lord, rend my heart" - might be a good grace to ask for this Lent. "Lord, let me see myself as you do - and know what sacrifice truly pleases you. Let me offer you what you desire from me, whatever the cost, rather than what I choose to give you"

CNY visits

2010-02-16T23:01:00.004+08:00

I was really glad we made the trip to Malacca yesterday to visit my aunt and uncle - closest extended family in the absence of my parents. Our cousins - their children (and families) who live in Singapore were there too. My aunt and uncle are slowing down - both in their early eighties......meeting them mostly once a year means we notice the difference more. My aunt does not cook much these days, and they are finding it difficult to maintain their home without a domestic helper. They were as usual, very glad to see us.

As i observed and spoke to them, I noticed what ageing involves. There's the physical slowing down. There's the change of sleeping patterns - sleeping very early and waking up in the wee hours of morning to potter about. My uncle keeps active because at the age of near eighty - two years ago, his son got him a desktop computer. He spends time learning the 'ropes' of emailing, internet and now scanning his large collection of photos (spanning the last 50 years) album by album into the computer. He has moved from using his old typewriter to using a computer. I realize that newness keeps us going, even more so for the elderly - having something to look forward to do each day widens lives that narrow with physical diminishment. My aunt has probably also been tidying up in her own way- she found some photos of my mother in her younger days (taken in the late 1940's). She gave them to me - a new year gift I will treasure.

The CNY cultural festivities this year are tempered by the countercultural call of the gospel. For tomorrow Feb 17th is Ash Wednesday, the start of the Lenten season. As a friend shared - this is a dichotomy - and i would say dissonance. The voices of the cultural tradition calling for prosperity (meaning in terms of health and wealth) are to give way to the voice of our Lord calling for a renewal of life and faith.

CNY Beatitudes

2010-02-14T22:53:00.007+08:00

Luke 6 : 17, 20 - 26

Blessed are you.....

When I read the gospel for today, in the midst of some cooking for a family lunch (thankful I did, while waiting for something to cook), I was taken aback . The reading - Jesus' teaching on "Beatitudes" seemed to stand as a challenge asking - "how do you actually see blessings or in other words the prosperity (Gong xi fa cai) we wish one another during CNY?". What are the blessings/prosperity Jesus speaks about and what do they mean in our personal context? Sure, most people do not take "poor" (v 20) literally......or that might leave many of us not too blessed.

Jesus' way of blessedness actually requires a transformation of heart and mind, to see life from his kingdom perspective. Fullness may not be always a good thing- for it may be fullness of self, leaving little room for God. Instead, he reminds us that there's a place for hunger, yearning, sorrow, poverty of spirit, as these make us look towards God alone for fulfillment.

As i prayed with the passage, I recalled the news clip I watched yesterday on Haiti. Several survivors of the earthquake were interviewed - they had lost loved ones and all material goods - yet this drove them to declare - "I only depend on God"......in the midst of the poverty, hunger and sorrow (in material terms) there was much space for God. As i recalled their words, i was moved - sometimes those who have so little can teach those who have so much..........what it is to truly depend on God.

As we wish "Gong xi fa cai" what do we mean, what do we hope for? Dare we pray the beatitudes and ask for the grace to embrace them?

Busy, busy....

2010-02-10T23:36:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, I met up with a couple of people to discuss a spiritual program we are going to be involved in. One of them does not know me well - and asked me a bit about myself, my work etc. When I explained my 'part time work', it did sound like I am often quite 'free', plenty of free time, considering the number of clinic hours I keep!! And sometimes, I begin to think of it that way as i tell people what I do. But these three days and up to Friday are - at least to my standards - 'crazy busy'. Not in the hours of work, of which there's more than usual - but the in between things that need attending to before the long break for CNY.

We finally picked up a used car for Naren to use to get to university......this of course, sad to say, adds to the pollution but there seems no other way as public transport is not available from my place to the Sunway area. Had to take the car for tyre change (we knew about the almost bald tyres) - and it took up the whole morning because some extra parts needed changing. Not surprising for a five year old car. Other than that the car seems to be running well.

Sometimes, it seems like I have lots of spare time, yet at times like this, with the extra clinic hours, I feel the familiar rushed feeling. A sign that I need to be extra careful about attentiveness to what I'm doing; to take that much extra effort to remain focused, appreciating the gifts of the moment rather than just ploughing on waiting for the busy spell to end (living in the future rather than the present).

For the Lord is present to me, desiring me to be present to Him.

(Joy and Sabbath both live very much in the present!! Am thankful for their being a reminder - calling me back when I get lost in my preoccupations)

Attentiveness

2010-02-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

You come and go.

The doors swing closed

ever more gently, almost without a shudder.

Of all who move through the quiet houses,

you are the quietest.

We become so accustomed to you

we no longer look up

when your shadow falls over

the book we are reading

and makes it glow.

For all things sing you: at times

we just hear them more clearly.

You are a wheel at which I stand,

whose dark spokes sometimes catch me up,

revolve me nearer to the center.

Then all the work I put my hand to

widens from turn to turn.

(Rainer Maria Rilke: Book of Hours - love poems to God)

Gifts and humility

2010-02-06T22:04:00.003+08:00

Mark 6: 7 - 13

...take nothing for the journey except....

This passage was the reading two days ago yet it remains on my mind, and I decided not to 'move' on to the subsequent readings. What struck me most was the call to "take nothing for the journey except the bare minimal". Generally, the first thing one might focus on in this passage is the wonderful gifts - of spiritual authority, of ability for ministry granted by the Lord to his disciples. Wouldn't that be useful for us too? Of course not to self promote, but perhaps just to serve a bit more efficiently.

But our Lord's focus seems to be different. He gives gifts but also asks his followers to be careful of their disposition of heart in using the gifts. He tells them to 'travel light' with little or no provision. He asks that they remain humble - by, in this instance, embracing material poverty and depending on his provision each step of the way. I must say i would prefer to have what I need at hand, to feel 'secure'. Yet He asks of us the opposite - to remain utterly dependent upon Him and not on ourselves. He wants to work through us - and it seems that would be most effective, the more we let go the controls and lean on Him. His gifts and authority are best entrusted to those with the inner disposition of humble trust.

"Free us, O Lord from all hindrances and (inordinate) attachments that we may joyfully be Your channels of grace"

Joy and Sabbath

2010-02-03T21:58:00.001+08:00

Joy has been a really 'joyful' gift of the new year...........there's nothing like a young creature (of course human youngsters but also animals) - to get one smiling and relaxing. Joy has been a 'good girl' - very quiet, hardly a bark, just some soft whines - very occasionally. Amazingly peaceful yet playful. And she was toilet trained in under two weeks - just with some teaching (positive and negative reinforcement) and by Sabbath's example. One thing she still enjoys doing and finds it hard to restrain is the little half bites she gives as part of her way of communicating.

The two 'gals' don't get along too well, though. I guess Sabbath is rather old to finally find out that she is a 'doggy' and to learn to socialize with another dog. She tolerates Joy, although sometimes Joy irritates her and she gives a warning bark - Joy backs off so there is no real tussle (as yet - Joy is half her size now). Both compete for attention when I get home after being out and of course when I pat or praise one I have to do the same for the other...... Mealtimes are training times - and they have to 'sit down' for a short while - before I give the command to eat. Eating habits - both are typical of their breed - greedy dogs and finish their food without any pause - until the last lick of the bowl!! I have to stay around in case one finishes first and tries to see what the other is eating!

I am grateful for the wonder and fun of bringing up a pup again. Challenging but most enlivening. Maybe a good remedy for 'mid-life' crisis?

Pastoral care

2010-02-02T22:21:00.003+08:00

Today, I was able to help out at Assunta pastoral care again. This week found me a bit busy - yet even as i drove there, I made it a point to be mindful of what it meant. Otherwise it might have been a routine I rushed through in order to get on with the tasks of the later part of the day.....(nothing too exciting - but looking for a used car for my son to use to get to university has been 'capturing' my attention for a few days).

Again, it was the elderly who left me touched......there was an elderly woman, recovering from an accident, who asked whether God is angry with her - hence the accident. "Maybe I've done something wrong....") The accident actually happened on her way back from visiting a sick relative - so adding to the incomprehensibility of "why - when i was trying to do something good?" Of course i reassured her of our loving and merciful God. But her reaction and doubts gave me an insight of what often goes on unexpressed in the hearts of those who suffer. This reminds me of how important it is to be so rooted and grounded in God's love - that such thoughts need not trouble us when suffering strikes - as it is no respecter of persons. Nouwen calls this 'living under the blessing and not the curse' - living our lives convinced of the giftedness of life - even in the midst of the storms of life.

Another elderly person, a nun shared her attitude to life - 'no need to worry - it won't change anything - live one day at a time - my blood pressure may go down today - then go up again....but no point getting worked up - I've learned to let things be - do what I can and that's enough - just trust God'. As I stepped into her room I felt a welcoming space - the same way i had felt the few times I visited her community house and was introduced to her. Looking at her smiling, kindly, wrinkled and lined faced - I saw one whose continual dedication of her life to God (from a young age) has taken her through the ups and downs of religious life. At her age, there could be much to complain about......or on the other hand be much to be grateful about -and she chose the latter route......I was deeply encouraged, as her attitude was (unknown to her) speaking to my own tendency to 'worry'......

Many faces, many precious experiences that provide raw material for theological reflection - and I came away again with much to be grateful for. Only after I stepped out of that special 'space' did I start thinking about where to go to view the used car......which I did ...but that's a concern for another day...